Oh.

I let my domain name expire, so that's why all my writing is attached to a porn-ish site. I wonder if there's something I can do to make whoever owns it now take it down? I don't own the URL anymore, but I definitely created that content. Created it over years...sweat, blood, tears went into that content. Literal sweat, blood, and tears.

Man.

But, the good news for me is that all my content is here. I can have it and edit it however I want.

And now that I'm resurrecting this identity, I'm remembering some of the tools I had during those hard years. So in my frustration, I'll express some gratitude. I'm grateful for the sleeping children, their warm, healthy bodies right beside me. I'm grateful for the husband, sleeping to get ready to care for them tomorrow. I'm grateful for the tiny kitten curled up beside the baby. I'm grateful for my fun, frustrating job. I'm grateful for my body, strong and healthy.

Just Swell.

I don't have much to say about my life lately. It's all going well. It's all just swell.

There are things that could be better, of course. I could make some more money. My husband could get a job. I could work out some kinks in important family relationships.

But overall, I'm happy. I am in love with my husband, and I feel loved by him. I have great friends. I have wonderful tools, and I'm learning to take better care of myself every day. There are fun things on my horizon...friends visiting, weddings, events. I am looking forward to these things. I am even thinking that my husband might be able to participate...which is exciting. He's never had it together enough to be able to come with me to a wedding or to visit family, and the idea that he can be my real date, a real boy, is exciting to me.

I am happy. I am comfortable. Today, I have enough. Thank God.

This is Kind of Weird and Jesus-Freaky.

Something happened to me last night.

My car was broken into. Someone shattered the passenger side window and stole my iPod. I hated to lose the iPod, but more than that, I hate having to pay to repair the window. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to afford to do it until I get paid on the 15th, and I'd have to drive around with a plastic bag taped up where my window should be. It made me sad. I've lost lots of cool electronics in my husband's active using days. I felt pretty sorry for myself for losing more stuff. I felt sad that I can't have nice things. I was angry about having to drive around with a flapping plastic mess of a window.

Lately, I wake up frequently at 4:30 in the morning to fret. I fret with amazing clarity at this time of night, and sometimes I'll get up and write to alleviate my anxiety or to record what the things are I am thinking about. Last night, I woke up and immediately began fretting about my car window. I couldn't understand how it would happen. For years, I put myself in dangerous situation after dangerous situation. I'd be out at bars and nightclubs until the wee hours of the morning. I'd go home with strange men or bring strange men home with me. I was frequently drunk or high or in scary situation where I owed drug dealers money, but never once did I have consequences for this behavior. These days, I spend my time at work or at meetings. I'm in bed most nights by 11. I go to church and I pray and I meditate and I don't drink or do drugs. I'm working on my shit, and I'm taking good care of myself, and still--I'm experiencing the consequences of my poor decisions.

I got myself all worked up about karma and wondered when I'd get out of the barreling effects of my causes. I've done a lot of wrong in my life and made a lot of bad decisions, and I wondered when would it stop. When would I be able to stop paying for my mistakes?

In a voice that wasn't my own, I heard an answer:

Ask God to forgive you for your sins.

I laughed a little at the idea. It seemed kind of cheesy, but then I heard it again.

Ask God to forgive you for your sins if you want to escape from cause and effect.

It had never occurred to me before that I felt imprisoned by my karma, and I'd never really understood the beautiful way out that the Christian portal to God offered. I got out of bed and got on my knees and prayed: Please, God, forgive me for my sins. Please forgive the people who have hurt me for their sins.

Thank you, God, for taking my past and using it to teach me lessons, to make me into a better person. Thank you for your grace.

The next morning, I got up and felt much better about my car, my life, my consequences. Even better, I checked my banking information, and I'd gotten my income tax refund.

Weird, huh?

Gratitude.

Earlier this week, I got a mantra from my guru, and I've been meditating with it since. It's working for me. I'm not sure if it's my commitment to meditating twice a day and my persistence in sticking with it, or if it's the mantra itself, but I feel like I'm finding authentic peace.

This morning, I was walking between jobs, and the air was so, so cold, and the sun felt warm on my face, and the sky was beautiful and blue. I felt overcome with gratitude. I'm finding a better way to live, and it's working.

When I finished sitting in meditation last night, I couldn't get up. It felt too good to sit so surely in myself. I bowed my head in prayer, and sat for a long time repeating, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

Thank you.

Thank you.

Detox Day 3: Redux

I should note, however, that in spite of my grumpiness and glumness and insistence on staying in bed and being miserable, my husband is being something of a detox angel. He's not half so crazy and miserable as he usually is. He's miserable, but it's kind of quiet, and it's not mean at all.

I'm grateful.

Funding Terrorism.

"I just want to stop funding terrorism. I just want to pay taxes. Why can't I find some help?"

My husband's plan to go to a medical detox facility today fell through, as I'd suspected it might. He'd been very attached to his plan, attached to the idea that going away for awhile would be a magical cure for the things that aren't working out for him, would help him break his bad mental habits. The medical detox is a precursor to handling more difficult problems and going away for an extended period of time, and he'd been excited to take this first step.

I'd been encouraging him to call the facility. I'd called it months ago, during his last big relapse, and they'd told me in a brief conversation that they would take people in withdrawal who didn't have health insurance and help them through detox. I didn't get into any details. I came home, and I told him that there might be an option for a medical detox facility if he wanted to go to one, and he held that in his mind until today. He never called, never followed up...just assumed that he was going, today, to the facility, that they'd take him in, ease his withdrawal from methadone, gentle as a lamb, and that he'd be all better afterwards and ready to face his next challenge. It was sad and hard to watch, but I am proud of myself for staying out of his business. I have a really hard time staying out of his business.

He was devastated to find out that his methadone dose is too high and that the facility can only treat someone for three days, which won't even touch what he's going to go through if he cuts off his dose cold turkey. He's devastated that he was so cocksure that he was doing it right. He was devastated that he is finally trying to make some good decisions, and even when he's trying, he still doesn't quite get them straight. It's hard, hard, hard to watch.

But he is trying, and I am proud of him. I have readers who are damn close to angels, and one of you wrote to me not long ago letting me know that he and his wife had been reading, that he related to my husband, and mentioned that he worked as a liaison between addicts and treatment facilities. He offered me his number, and I passed it along to my husband. He used that number today, and hopefully, they'll find a good option together. I am proud of myself for staying out of it, proud of him for making a call and reaching out for help, and so, so grateful to have folks reading, listening, and wanting to help. It was one of the most lovely, serendipitous experiences I've had...Thank you.

And honestly, I am glad to have the rehab-searching work off my job description as resident codependent in my husband's life. It is frustrating. I've spent too much time calling and calling and calling and being passed along and passed along and passed along. I am sorry that he has to do it now, but it's his. It's not mine. It's my job to be supportive and to understand, but it's not my work to do it for him. It is fascinating to me how long it has taken me to comprehend that these things aren't my job.

Gratitude List.

I'm struggling to keep my head inside my head, so I thought I should write a gratitude list.

1. I have a beautiful family.
2. My Nar-Anon family is an amazing resource, and I am so glad I have them.
3. I have wonderful friends who are willing to come to me when I need them most.
4. I have a relationship with a higher power that I'm learning to turn to more and more.
5. I had a beautiful moment last week at the end of a yoga class. I could feel my heart beating, and I felt the sweat on my skin, and I knew I was in the right place at the right time...that there was nowhere else in the world where I should be. I am glad to have found a way to access the spiritual part of myself.
6. I have a nice place to live and animals to love.
7. I have a job that I enjoy and that pays me well enough to get by.
8. I've got a great mind, and I will find a way out of this mess.
9. I've got 4 books on my shelf by my bed that I haven't read yet.
10. It will be spring soon, and I'll be able to wear flip flops.
11. Lots of people care about me, and I have heard from tons of them over the last few days.

Still There Is Pleasure.

I have stolen both the title and the idea for this post from Beyond The Map's list of things that are giving her pleasure in spite of the chaos of moving. It's a lovely post, and it made me want to write my own list about what gives me pleasure in the midst of all the chaos in my life...it's like a gratitude list without the guilt!

1. On my desk, I have this wonderful squishy skull guy. When I squeeze him, his brains pop out all bulbous and orange. I love him. He's a Halloween toy.

2. I have spent my day writing, again. Nothing is better.

3. All my secret blogging friends are the best, best, best! I also like are secret talky box that can steal my attention for hours and hours.

4. The prospect of all the wonderful things that will be here, soon...like the Friday pizza, the changing leaves, the visit from Vowels, the dog walk this evening, tomorrow morning's yoga, tomorrow evening's meeting...it's all so hopeful and happy, and it's all mine.

5. Last night, I took a long and wonderful bath. I'm going to do it again tonight.

6. It pleases me to no end that bloggers get to have a street name and a government name. Blogging, generally, pleases me. It satisfies my inner nerd, and it makes me write.

7. My husband's long curly hair is a veritable primrose fucking path. My hands get all lost in it and I can't even do anything except touch it and smell it and pull it. I barely made it to work today. I nearly had to call in sprung.

8. We've gotten quite good at making our poverty food more interesting. For instance: add butter, frozen vegetables, hot sauce, and optional tuna to your Ramen for a unique twist to the traditional poverty fare.

9. I talked on the phone last night for a few minutes to a Nar-Anon friend who was having a mini-crisis, and we ended up laughing at ourselves and each other. That recognition and understanding from someone who was a stranger not too long ago is deeply satisfying, and it helps me to make sense of my world.

10. I'm reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love, and it's really, really good. I just finished Lolita, which I have no business reading at this point in my life. But Eat Pray Love is perfect for me, and for now.

Today.

It's been a peaceful day. I'm grateful.

Gratitude.

I could say a lot of things about life today...I could write about the Stray showing up, or I could write about the funeral. I could write about how I'm unhappy with our relationship, with how things are getting better at such a horribly slow pace, at how he doesn't appreciate how fantastically I have handled his godawful behavior. I could write about Mr. Junky's great big pity party that he had this morning and how I told him he needed to think about all the things that he should be grateful for. Instead, I'll write about all the things that I have to be grateful for.

1. I am so grateful that we have another day together, and that we've got tomorrow to look forward to.

2. I'm grateful for my wonderful friends, both electronic and real.

3. I'm grateful that Long Vowels is coming over next week! And that I might get to see Question Air! Woohoo!

4. I'm grateful for the things he whispered to me before I left for the funeral.

5. I'm glad to have had cabbage for dinner. I love cabbage.

6. I'm grateful that my job is still awesome, and my coworkers are funny and smart and kind people that I look forward to seeing every day.

7. There's a meeting tomorrow, and I look forward to it as much as I look forward to anything in my life. We're going out for coffee afterwards. I think it will be fun.

(My husband asked me if he should come. I said, "No," but I wonder if I should have said, "Yes." Maybe he could make friends with folks in recovery? Maybe I shouldn't plan schemes to get his dumb ass in meetings? Maybe if he makes any kind of move to participate in N.A. in any way, even to skip the meeting to come out for coffee afterwards, I should encourage it? Maybe it's not my bucket of shit? Chloe, maybe we can arrange a play date?! They don't like the same drugs, anyway, so it wouldn't even be scary!)

8. I'm grateful that lots and lots of folks showed up for my friend's wife's funeral. It was a lovely service, and I'm glad I went and was able to give him a big hug.

9. I'm grateful for the great big bad pit bull that won't stop stomping on my back while I lie here typing. Especially, I am grateful for her silly feet.

10. I'm glad that the life I have, even with all its mess and burdens and complications, is the life I've chosen...from bottom to top, this is my world, my construction.

11. I'm glad that I'm healthy and pretty and smart.

12. I'm glad that the bed is big, but not too big.

13. I'm so looking forward to when he comes to bed with me and we hold each other close.

14. I'm lucky to have a good family.

15. There are children in my life that are beautiful and give me something to look forward to.

16. I own a very cool home.

17. I like the color of my hair.

18. I like the color of my husband's hair, and also the way it smells, and the way it feels in my hands.

19. I'm glad I'm a good writer, and I'm glad my husband is a wonderful artist. I'm glad we can be creative together.

20. I'm glad that this year, I've managed to make my entire living off of writing.

21. I'm grateful and proud that I've been able to support myself, pay my mortgage, and take care of things while he's been out of work.

22. I'm glad that I'm still growing, learning, and surviving through one of the hardest times I've ever known.

Today at work.

I am so glad I'm not a PR person. I just spent the last hour reading emails from PR people hitting me up to review the crappy bands they represent. I uniformly replied, "No thank you," and felt guilty.

Then, I had to interview a porn star. Tracking these guys down is always a dreadful experience, and then once you get them, you have to hope that they're not too strung out on cum and cocaine to make any sense. Surprisingly, though, today's porn star interview went rather well...the lady in question responded promptly and professionally.

I love my job. I was fucking around with the husband this morning, and so I was late. I mosey in to work around noon, and I'll stay a little late tonight to make up the hours. The pay is lousy, but nothing beats coming to work at noon, interviewing a few porn stars, writing all day, and then going home. I'm lucky.

I think it's time for a new gratitude list:

1. I'm glad for my job...I'm glad to have a paycheck that's regular, if meager, and I'm glad to get paid to do something I love. I'm glad for the flexibility, the companionship of my kick-ass coworkers, for the openness and acceptance I've found there.
2. I'm glad that things are getting better, gradually, with my husband.
3. I'm grateful for my doggies and their wonderful bellies that need lots of scratching.
4. I'm glad for meetings, especially for the Thursday night ones. I'm considering going to one tonight...I kind of feel like I could use a tune-up, but the Tuesday nights are never quite as good as Thursday.
   
5. I'm grateful for the mother-in-law and her willingness to listen to me complain about her crazy-ass son.
6. I'm so lucky to have wonderful girlfriends who will listen to me complain on the telephone. I'd die without it. Shrivel right up.
7. I'm grateful for my beautiful niece.
8. I'm grateful for all my new electronic friends .
9. I've really enjoyed learning new stuff through keeping the blog...not just like inner-understanding or relationship stuff, but like neat things with html code or how internet marketing works or how to manipulate technorati...all that stuff is neat. I'm learning to be a real computer geek, and I've always wanted to learn to do something useful.
   
10. I love my family, the whole crazy-ass bunch of them. At least they don't stab me.

I tried to think past 10 to reach 11. 11 is my lucky number, but that's as grateful as I can be today. It's a pretty good list, I think...