Less-than-nurturing.

"The 12 Steps : A Way Out is a personal guide to understanding the spiritual power of the Twelve Steps. This material is primarily for adults whose childhoods were negatively affected by a less-than-nurturing environment. This environment often resulted when the adults responsible for care were influenced by substance abuse, emotional problems, or compulsive behaviors. The Twelve Steps offer a way to grow beyond the harmful effects of a troubled environment."

I got my book today for the 12 step writing workshop my Nar-Anon group is beginning. I've been excited about it, and I read and finished the first chapter today. Perhaps it's the annoying head space I'm in, but it really made me kind of crazy, especially those few lines above. It made me think that this book is going to push me to delve into some stuff that I'm not up to delving into.

I don't know what to think about that.

I got home tonight, and the dogs had totally fucked the house up. They'd pulled stuff out and torn stuff and made a giant fucking mess. He was helping the neighbor with some yard work. I was hungry, as I didn't have anything to eat at work today, as (guess what?!) I'm broke. I was eager to eat, so I ignored the mess in the house and went to the kitchen to cook some cabbage. I reached for a knife, and there wasn't one in the knife block. I looked in the sink, and there wasn't one there. There wasn't one in the dish drainer. There were no knives, anywhere.

I crumbled into a huge puddle on the floor. I just wanted something to eat. I just want my stuff to be where it belongs. I want to know where my eight steak knives and three butcher knives are. I want help. I don't want to be hungry like that...that frustrating hunger that's about money...soup kitchen hungry. I don't want the dogs to make a mess. I want the world to handle me with kid gloves until I can figure out what I'm doing.

Faster.

It's not happening fast enough.

We're better. We seem to be on an upswing. He's attending meetings. He's saying things like, "I'm excited about NA because I've realized that I don't only have a drug problem...I have a life problem."

This is what I want...it's what I've been hoping for. It's the place I want him to be in, the place I want me to be in. And the best part is, he's coming up with these things by himself. He's become interested in meetings because he knows he needs help, that he can't do it on his own, that fixing the mess his life has become is going to take more than just quitting drugs. Kicking heroin was quite a feat, but heroin was a symptom of something much deeper.

I know this. I know he's doing the best he can at the best pace he can handle...but I want it more, and now. I want him to work, I want him to finish all 12 steps and be fixed. I want it now.

Now now now.

Damn it.

I am so fucking scared of this little, wavering hope. I am afraid to acknowledge that things are better, and when I do, I am angry that they are better...but still not better ENOUGH.

I want our finances to be better, more than anything. I'm glad that he's working on himself and getting stronger and growing, and I'm glad that I'm working on myself and getting stronger and growing. I'm not glad, however, that every damned paycheck is gone as soon as I get it. I'm tired of living hand to mouth. I'm tired of scrambling to make my bills. I'm tired of being the grown up, of the bills being all my problem. I've been doing that for far too long.

I was very frustrated last night about these things...I tried to look in my Nar-Anon literature about "frustration," and there was nothing there. There was nothing. I was more frustrated. I thought I'd find 50 pages of crap I could read to help me straighten out my brains, and there was nothing. I'd like to register a formal complaint.

There's a meeting tonight, though, and that's good. Sometimes, I feel like I get my mind cleaned out there. I've gotten much better about letting go of stuff...but the money stuff is so very tangible, so very hurtful and present and scary...but I've learned to let go of things I never thought I could, and so maybe I can figure out my way around money woes as well.

I was thinking of finding another job...but I love my job. If I leave it, I'll resent him for it. I should plot some scheme to make money, or to work another day, maybe somewhere part time. I know, though, that I need a lot of time for ruminating right now. This time in my life is hard, and I've been trying to be patient and forgiving with myself. When I was younger and in a better head space, I could work like crazy...two or three jobs would be fine. I don't want to do that anymore, especially not now.

But, reality is reality. I've got to learn to live on its terms.

Hot Mess.

Too high to drive? Maybe your five year old can be your DD.

Courtesy of Edith Whoreton.

(Expect a happy post from me sometime soon, electronic friends! I'm going to bed!)