Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Faster.

It's not happening fast enough.

We're better. We seem to be on an upswing. He's attending meetings. He's saying things like, "I'm excited about NA because I've realized that I don't only have a drug problem...I have a life problem."

This is what I want...it's what I've been hoping for. It's the place I want him to be in, the place I want me to be in. And the best part is, he's coming up with these things by himself. He's become interested in meetings because he knows he needs help, that he can't do it on his own, that fixing the mess his life has become is going to take more than just quitting drugs. Kicking heroin was quite a feat, but heroin was a symptom of something much deeper.

I know this. I know he's doing the best he can at the best pace he can handle...but I want it more, and now. I want him to work, I want him to finish all 12 steps and be fixed. I want it now.

Now now now.

Damn it.

I am so fucking scared of this little, wavering hope. I am afraid to acknowledge that things are better, and when I do, I am angry that they are better...but still not better ENOUGH.

I want our finances to be better, more than anything. I'm glad that he's working on himself and getting stronger and growing, and I'm glad that I'm working on myself and getting stronger and growing. I'm not glad, however, that every damned paycheck is gone as soon as I get it. I'm tired of living hand to mouth. I'm tired of scrambling to make my bills. I'm tired of being the grown up, of the bills being all my problem. I've been doing that for far too long.

I was very frustrated last night about these things...I tried to look in my Nar-Anon literature about "frustration," and there was nothing there. There was nothing. I was more frustrated. I thought I'd find 50 pages of crap I could read to help me straighten out my brains, and there was nothing. I'd like to register a formal complaint.

There's a meeting tonight, though, and that's good. Sometimes, I feel like I get my mind cleaned out there. I've gotten much better about letting go of stuff...but the money stuff is so very tangible, so very hurtful and present and scary...but I've learned to let go of things I never thought I could, and so maybe I can figure out my way around money woes as well.

I was thinking of finding another job...but I love my job. If I leave it, I'll resent him for it. I should plot some scheme to make money, or to work another day, maybe somewhere part time. I know, though, that I need a lot of time for ruminating right now. This time in my life is hard, and I've been trying to be patient and forgiving with myself. When I was younger and in a better head space, I could work like crazy...two or three jobs would be fine. I don't want to do that anymore, especially not now.

But, reality is reality. I've got to learn to live on its terms.

8 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Go to the meeting, dump your brain, take care of yourself, settle in for the long haul.

Four years in we have creditors calling every day. My husband is only just starting to a handle on the money thing (he makes it, but he also spends it). He's still tempted to act out. He still struggles. But we're in a good place, we can deal with it. I was reading my journal last night -- and I was amazed -- the things I was so confused about a few years ago are all clear now. A few years from now, I bet you'll look at this post the same way.

vicariousrising said...

Hiya. I am finally getting settled back home again after a kinda vagabond summer. Just wanted to say hullo and hang in there.

I hate frustration too. Frustrates me. Being a person who always feels she has to "do" something, not being able to "do" anything and accepting that has been my hardest lesson of all.

Peace to you,
Judith

Madness (JAA) said...

When looking for references on frustration, see: powerlessness.
Steps 1,2 3 to ALL areas of our lives, baby girl. And the sickening part is -- it really works.
I think you are awesome,
Scout

ej. said...

your frustration sounds a lot like anger, and if you are angry, then you should read this.

Recovery Discovery said...

Serenity, Now, Dammit! I get that! As for readings, Hope for Today has some references under Money. The Language of Letting Go has stuff under money, finances, financial fears, goals, and responsibility, Timing, and letting go of timing, just for a few.

sKILLz said...

I feel ya on this one homegirl! Not having enough to make ends meet can be VERY fustrating!
Just try to hang in there! I sorry that he doesnt try to help you out, I dont know what I would do if my girl didnt help me with the bills and money.

Wayward Son said...

No literature on frustration! Maybe the Central Office will pay you to write some up. You'd do a fabulous job, I am sure. And it seems they are in need.

Oh yeah ... breath. It helps. Sometimes just a little. But it helps.

ej. said...

well can you at least post faster and speed up that process. i mean really, it's not right i dont have any reading material first thing in the morning.

you're fired. :P