It's not happening fast enough.
We're better. We seem to be on an upswing. He's attending meetings. He's saying things like, "I'm excited about NA because I've realized that I don't only have a drug problem...I have a life problem."
This is what I want...it's what I've been hoping for. It's the place I want him to be in, the place I want me to be in. And the best part is, he's coming up with these things by himself. He's become interested in meetings because he knows he needs help, that he can't do it on his own, that fixing the mess his life has become is going to take more than just quitting drugs. Kicking heroin was quite a feat, but heroin was a symptom of something much deeper.
I know this. I know he's doing the best he can at the best pace he can handle...but I want it more, and now. I want him to work, I want him to finish all 12 steps and be fixed. I want it now.
Now now now.
I am so fucking scared of this little, wavering hope. I am afraid to acknowledge that things are better, and when I do, I am angry that they are better...but still not better ENOUGH.
I want our finances to be better, more than anything. I'm glad that he's working on himself and getting stronger and growing, and I'm glad that I'm working on myself and getting stronger and growing. I'm not glad, however, that every damned paycheck is gone as soon as I get it. I'm tired of living hand to mouth. I'm tired of scrambling to make my bills. I'm tired of being the grown up, of the bills being all my problem. I've been doing that for far too long.
I was very frustrated last night about these things...I tried to look in my Nar-Anon literature about "frustration," and there was nothing there. There was nothing. I was more frustrated. I thought I'd find 50 pages of crap I could read to help me straighten out my brains, and there was nothing. I'd like to register a formal complaint.
There's a meeting tonight, though, and that's good. Sometimes, I feel like I get my mind cleaned out there. I've gotten much better about letting go of stuff...but the money stuff is so very tangible, so very hurtful and present and scary...but I've learned to let go of things I never thought I could, and so maybe I can figure out my way around money woes as well.
I was thinking of finding another job...but I love my job. If I leave it, I'll resent him for it. I should plot some scheme to make money, or to work another day, maybe somewhere part time. I know, though, that I need a lot of time for ruminating right now. This time in my life is hard, and I've been trying to be patient and forgiving with myself. When I was younger and in a better head space, I could work like crazy...two or three jobs would be fine. I don't want to do that anymore, especially not now.
But, reality is reality. I've got to learn to live on its terms.