Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Less-than-nurturing.

"The 12 Steps : A Way Out is a personal guide to understanding the spiritual power of the Twelve Steps. This material is primarily for adults whose childhoods were negatively affected by a less-than-nurturing environment. This environment often resulted when the adults responsible for care were influenced by substance abuse, emotional problems, or compulsive behaviors. The Twelve Steps offer a way to grow beyond the harmful effects of a troubled environment."
I got my book today for the 12 step writing workshop my Nar-Anon group is beginning. I've been excited about it, and I read and finished the first chapter today. Perhaps it's the annoying head space I'm in, but it really made me kind of crazy, especially those few lines above. It made me think that this book is going to push me to delve into some stuff that I'm not up to delving into.

I don't know what to think about that.

I got home tonight, and the dogs had totally fucked the house up. They'd pulled stuff out and torn stuff and made a giant fucking mess. He was helping the neighbor with some yard work. I was hungry, as I didn't have anything to eat at work today, as (guess what?!) I'm broke. I was eager to eat, so I ignored the mess in the house and went to the kitchen to cook some cabbage. I reached for a knife, and there wasn't one in the knife block. I looked in the sink, and there wasn't one there. There wasn't one in the dish drainer. There were no knives, anywhere.

I crumbled into a huge puddle on the floor. I just wanted something to eat. I just want my stuff to be where it belongs. I want to know where my eight steak knives and three butcher knives are. I want help. I don't want to be hungry like that...that frustrating hunger that's about money...soup kitchen hungry. I don't want the dogs to make a mess. I want the world to handle me with kid gloves until I can figure out what I'm doing.

8 comments:

awannabe said...

The book sounds interesting, and your writing is growing in intensity. It is like reaching the climatic part of a movie, before the main conflict in the plot is resolved. I am sure you are an inspiration to many. Keep up the fight.

Madness (JAA) said...

sometimes i just want to hold you, JW.

ej. said...

my soup kitchen is open 24 hours a day for you.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Oh, honey! If your junky man weren't so beautiful and sexy, I would tell you to just hop in your car and drive until you're where I am.

And I would feed you and you would keep my lonely ass company until my husband comes home -- and we'd just cry. And then laugh. And then miss our sexy men. And then cry again at our fucked up lives. And then laugh because we're so beautiful and smart. And on and on until we were completely crazy.

Recovery Discovery said...

We do keep melting down at the same time, don't we? We'll get through this workshop thing together. And you don't have to delve into anything today. Hugs to you. I'm off to services.

thejunkyswife said...

Scary, isn't it? I can't imagine what kind of mess we'll make if all the Nar-Anon superheroes get our cycles in line. This town might have an inconceivable shitstorm coming.

longvowels said...

I'm so sorry too. I wish I could come over and help you clean up and make you a hotdish made with vegan butter.

Chloe said...

I got my copy of the book, well a copy of a copy the other day. I'm having a real hard time trying to make it "right" in my mind why i should go to this workshop. It scares the crap out of me. You know i hate talking about my feelings and then having to deal with childhood bullshit..i don't know if i'm ready for this. I'm affraid!!