Monday, June 16, 2008


I'll wonder what I'm fighting for, and I'll get so bedraggled and beaten up by this relationship, and then, suddenly, I see so many wonderful things in my husband. He says something so insightful, or so funny, or so wise, or so loving.

I spoke with a friend recently who I only talk with occasionally, and she's just gotten out of a long, tumultuous relationship. She said that she was sitting with her boyfriend one afternoon, and she realized she had no idea who he was anymore...and not only did she feel like he was a stranger, but she didn't care, either.

I know from my own past relationships that you're not done until you're done...and I know that feeling of indifference. It's an indifference that's beyond care about the person, and you wish him well, but you don't want to fight for it anymore. I remember when it came over me with my most recent was like all the wind had been knocked out of me. I had nothing left in me for that relationship. I still loved him, but it was a new kind of love...kind of a detached spirit of goodwill.

I am nowhere near that kind of indifference in this relationship. Every second of my life, I'm still fighting, still hanging on, still grasping at this man, my dreams for us and our life together. I don't want it to be over.