Fight.

I'll wonder what I'm fighting for, and I'll get so bedraggled and beaten up by this relationship, and then, suddenly, I see so many wonderful things in my husband. He says something so insightful, or so funny, or so wise, or so loving.

I spoke with a friend recently who I only talk with occasionally, and she's just gotten out of a long, tumultuous relationship. She said that she was sitting with her boyfriend one afternoon, and she realized she had no idea who he was anymore...and not only did she feel like he was a stranger, but she didn't care, either.

I know from my own past relationships that you're not done until you're done...and I know that feeling of indifference. It's an indifference that's beyond indifference...you care about the person, and you wish him well, but you don't want to fight for it anymore. I remember when it came over me with my most recent ex...it was like all the wind had been knocked out of me. I had nothing left in me for that relationship. I still loved him, but it was a new kind of love...kind of a detached spirit of goodwill.

I am nowhere near that kind of indifference in this relationship. Every second of my life, I'm still fighting, still hanging on, still grasping at this man, my dreams for us and our life together. I don't want it to be over.

These Are Your Finger Bones, Together.

"These are you finger bones, together," his nephew informed us. "You have bones in your arms and your fingers. Let's touch them."

He's two and very smart. We had a nice night of extended family stuff: lots of food, talk, and a cute kid. He held both our hands while telling us about our finger bones.

It made me think about family, and sharing your family with someone in a marriage, especially sharing such a complicated family as his. He has made himself very vulnerable by inviting me to be a part of his life in this way. Families are lovely things...even crazy families with addicts popping out of the woodwork.

There's such bindings in families, though, especially in the blendings that emerge from a marriage. Not only are you family with your partner, you're now also family with his or her parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews. It's quite a weight.

There's a hole in my heart shaped like some relatives of past lovers, people who became family and were lost in the separations. It's hard to think about. I'm going to stop thinking about it now.