I got home late tonight, but we had such a nice night together...mostly. We have such fun together when things are good. Underneath it all, though, no matter what, there's always this tension...this darkness stirring underneath the surface. I wonder if it goes away. From what I've heard from folks who remain in relationships with people who are well into recovery, it disperses, but it never goes away. I wonder if I want to live with that cloud always.
It has its advantages, really. Life is sweet, or life is sad...but it's never passive or happening to me without making me think and feel. Sometimes I think I'd like to stop having so many feelings, or such big feelings...but that's not true. I like feeling life, feeling alive. I like knowing that things are happening, that precipices are ahead to be surmounted or plunged off. It's exhausting and exhilarating, this life.
I found out today that Krishna Das is going to be having a chanting and singing concert in my town pretty soon. I'm so excited I might die. It's probably silly, but his music came to me at a time when I was trying to figure out what god was for me, and it helped me understand. The first time I heard "God Is Real," it made me cry on my yoga mat and be a big mess of sweaty, stinky tears. I think I'm going to take that evening off from work and go, all by myself, and chant with him and cry in front of him and see if it brings me closer to something.