I'm tired of being so goddamned responsible. I want to tell everything to fuck off, and I want to go on vacation. I can't afford to tell anything to fuck off and go on vacation. I at least would like a vacation from my husband.
He was "joking" with me last night about how I can't make him leave...he said he'd been thinking about how even if I decided to split up with him, he'd tell me that the house was his, too...that even though he doesn't pay the bills, I can't make him leave his house. I'm not sure where he got that idea from. I can think of several ways that I could make him leave this house, my house. I've looked into the laws for spousal support, and I know what the worst things he could do to me would be. I also doubt very much that a judge would have much sympathy for the able-bodied heroin addict who has been leaching off of his wife for 2 years...
And really, what is he thinking about to make him want to talk to me like that? Why push me towards thinking about the bad things that he could do to me if I decide to leave him? Is it really such fun to force yourself on a person who doesn't want you? I remember him so differently from this...the man I fell in love with had some self-respect. The man I fell in love with wouldn't have said that he'd make me keep supporting him even if I decided I didn't love him anymore. It doesn't make sense.
He has about 10 days before he is officially without money for methadone. He only seems concerned sometimes. I'm not sure why he is so comfortable with his present situation. The relative he's been working for is done with the project they've been doing, and he's only got about 10 days' worth of money left. I have to stop thinking about it. It's not mine. It's not happening to me. I can't stop thinking about it.
What is scary is that I've decided I'm not doing detox with him again. If he doesn't find a job and get himself squared away, I'm asking him to leave for the detox part. It's not good for me, and I can't do it, especially not right now when I have too many jobs and not enough time.
So many things in my life are going so well right now. I wish things at home would ride the coattails of my professional upswing. An unhappy marriage sucks the sweetness right out of life. It's hard to celebrate anything, and it's hard to have perspective on the things that are going well when the things that are closest to me make me feel like a rat running in a treadmill.
Art by James Christensen