Saturday, February 28, 2009

Who Am I Kidding?


Our marriage counselor had just asked me if I'd choose my husband now. We'd met individually to talk over some of the last several weeks' events in our marriage and to talk about some of the dynamics she'd observed in our relationship. I'd been talking about how bad the past had been and my fears and hopes for the future, and she'd been encouraging me to think about what was happening--right now--in the present moment.

"If you can't be healthy and choose your husband now, you should get out of the relationship," she'd said.

"That's hard, but I don't think I would. I don't think that I'd choose him, now, if we didn't have such a past together and if I wasn't hoping that the future might be better."

"You've got some thinking to do."

I left her office with a head full of anxiety. I had a lot of things to think about, but I had gotten some clarity at least. I went to work, and after my class was over, I came home.

My husband met me at the door. He is such a beautiful man that it takes my breath sometimes, still. He took my hand, and we sat down together. He pulled my head against his heart, held me close and kissed me. I looked up into his eyes and laughed on the inside. Who have I been kidding?

I do choose him. Today. Always.