"MAJOR DEPRESSIVE EPISODE. RECURRENT CONDITION. SEVERE. Substance abuse. Mixed. In remission."
That's my diagnosis. It's interesting to see myself all spelled out like that, and to recognize the reality of how those words describe me. It was interesting to realize the "recurrent condition" part, and also the "severe." And, the "substance abuse" was unsettling...it's been so long since I've been that person--but my life is presently still in turmoil from the choices I made as an actively using person, years and years ago. No matter if I do drugs or not, my life and my choices still revolve around substance abuse.
If I'm not doing the drugs, I'm doing the addicts. Hah.
There's this pack of dogs that live in the cellar of my mind. They lunge and claw at the door, and generally, I can keep them quiet. Sometimes, though, every few years, I can't keep them out anymore.
I am now medicated, and feeling better with the promise of feeling better. My husband met me at the doctor's office, and it seemed to help him to be able to come and rescue me. It's helped us to be able to communicate with each other.
I went to see our marriage counselor by myself today. We talked about what has been going on, and we talked about the patterns that are emerging to try to determine if there are any we can break.
She asked me to think about myself, right now, and my husband, right now. I kept explaining how when I met him and fell in love with him, I was a very sick person in a very bad place...I am different now...and I don't think I would pick him off the street right now. I like to imagine that I would make better decisions about my relationships...and I believe that I would. However, I do love him, and I'm married to him, and he is like he is. Past me loved past him, and present me loves a possible future him...I am getting stuck, though, with present me and present him.
I have some accepting to do. And if I can't accept what I've got, then I've got to make some big moves.
I am glad, though, to have the promise of clarity that will come with some time on medication. My emotions are all jagged now, and I need some relief for myself before I can make any big decisions.