Insecure.

I am feeling real insecure in my marriage right now. My husband and I had a lovely day together yesterday, but there are a lot of things that aren't right. I'm not right and he's not right, and we aren't able to communicate about it very well at all.

I feel like my heart is going to explode. I hate this feeling. I have therapy today and a meeting tonight, and I'm sitting at the prayer center I like right now. I'm trying to turn this stuff over, and I'm having a real hard time. I want to find someone to help me work through these things. Maybe I can find someone here to talk to me.

Prayers and other such white light welcome.

MAJOR DEPRESSIVE EPISODE.

"MAJOR DEPRESSIVE EPISODE. RECURRENT CONDITION. SEVERE. Substance abuse. Mixed. In remission."

That's my diagnosis. It's interesting to see myself all spelled out like that, and to recognize the reality of how those words describe me. It was interesting to realize the "recurrent condition" part, and also the "severe." And, the "substance abuse" was unsettling...it's been so long since I've been that person--but my life is presently still in turmoil from the choices I made as an actively using person, years and years ago. No matter if I do drugs or not, my life and my choices still revolve around substance abuse.

If I'm not doing the drugs, I'm doing the addicts. Hah.

There's this pack of dogs that live in the cellar of my mind. They lunge and claw at the door, and generally, I can keep them quiet. Sometimes, though, every few years, I can't keep them out anymore.

I am now medicated, and feeling better with the promise of feeling better. My husband met me at the doctor's office, and it seemed to help him to be able to come and rescue me. It's helped us to be able to communicate with each other.

I went to see our marriage counselor by myself today. We talked about what has been going on, and we talked about the patterns that are emerging to try to determine if there are any we can break.

She asked me to think about myself, right now, and my husband, right now. I kept explaining how when I met him and fell in love with him, I was a very sick person in a very bad place...I am different now...and I don't think I would pick him off the street right now. I like to imagine that I would make better decisions about my relationships...and I believe that I would. However, I do love him, and I'm married to him, and he is like he is. Past me loved past him, and present me loves a possible future him...I am getting stuck, though, with present me and present him.

I have some accepting to do. And if I can't accept what I've got, then I've got to make some big moves.

I am glad, though, to have the promise of clarity that will come with some time on medication. My emotions are all jagged now, and I need some relief for myself before I can make any big decisions.

Lay Your Hands Over Me.

Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe...

-"I Shall Believe"

Tonight, I was very upset. I was crying, and I wished and wished for someone to come to me and comfort me. Most especially, I wished for my husband. He did not come.

For so many years of my life, I've been waiting for someone to show up who doesn't. I need to stop waiting, to find the love and loyalty within myself to comfort myself when I'm struggling.

I am depressed. I am going to go to see a doctor tomorrow. I can't keep doing this much longer. My thinking is crazy. I want to sleep. I want to get drunk. I think of ways to hurt myself. I am cycling through old patterns. I don't want to do this anymore, and I can't stop myself. I can't pray it out or meditate it out or meeting it out or yoga it out.

Addiction is a progressive, fatal disease. So is depression. I've been on and off anti-depressants for years, and I've been in and out of counseling since I was a teenager. I honestly believed that I'd found a way out of these cycles through recovery, but I think I've reached a wall I can't pass through on my own.

Tonight, as I cried and cried and cried and wished like hell for my husband to come to me, it felt so familiar, that deep desire to be picked up in someone's arms and told that I'm going to be ok. I wonder where this pattern is coming from...if there was some awful night when my mother was unable to comfort me, crying in my crib, and if I'm going to act this thing out until I find the trapdoor out of it.

I want my husband to come, pick me up, and change my diaper. I want him to hear me, see me. I want something from my outsides to fix my insides, and most especially, I want my husband to fix me. He's sick. He can't. I know these things to be true, but I think that now maybe I'm sick, too.

Detox Day 3

So far, no projectiles are flying yet, and he hasn't brandished any knives or guns. He's miserable. I'm miserable. It's great at our house.

I think I might be depressed. I'm struggling with getting out of bed, ever. It's been accumulating for a while, and I think it's getting worse. I don't want to sleep, especially, I just don't want to face the world. The world is a mean motherfucker, and I'm tired of it.

I had a dream a few nights ago. I was on an elevator, and it was packed. I started humming to myself, and then I started saying "Om." I kept saying it, over and over again, and then the other people on the elevator were saying it, too. We were smiling and creating this beautiful, vibrating space, resonating inside and out and between all of us. They were strangers, but I knew them perfectly, and they knew me. They were glad I'd started it. It was weird.

It reminded me of my new toy, the Junky's Wives Club. We're starting a step study over there. I'm excited. I wish that club was a place. I'd get out of bed to go there.