Sunday, January 11, 2009

Tonight's Lesson.

OK, after an hour or so of sobbing, I did some meditating and praying and figured out what I'm meant to learn from my husband's selfish behavior tonight:

  1. I have to stop orbiting him. I know I need to stop orbiting him, as it always ends badly. He's not a stable planet. He's a collapsing star, and apt to turn to a black hole. It's dumb to make that the weight in my life, and I ought to have learned that lesson by now. To continue to make plans based on his word, his promises, or his commitment is to set myself up for disappointment. It's denial. I want badly for him to be completely better, and it's silly for me to expect him to do things the right way all the time.
  2. I have to take care of myself, and I need to remember that my meetings, yoga, meditation, and friends are a priority. My husband is a priority as well, and it's ok for me to want to spend time with him, but it's not ok for me to get waylaid from the other things that ground me and give me strength.
  3. It is ok for me to have reactions to his bad behavior, and I actually have handled this evening quite well. He did something selfish and stupid, and it hurt my feelings. I dealt with it without indicting him, and I have a plan for a safe place to talk to him when, hopefully, he'll be more receptive than he could be tonight.
In the end, he is doing really well, and so am I. This is new territory for both of us, and it's not going to go along perfectly. We've both slipped a little today, and hopefully, we'll both get it back together.