Monday, January 12, 2009


My husband had a fantastic outburst of his addict today, and it seems the root of the evil was that I wouldn't buy him a soda because I wasn't sure if I had enough money in my account. I'm down to pennies until I get paid, and that makes my husband MAD.

It made him so mad that he realized he's only been going to these AA meetings to make me happy. It's just something he's doing to please me because he loves me, and also because I'm controlling. And it's good for him, but he's only doing it for me. And he never agreed to get a sponsor. And he's been wasting his time. He should be going to church or looking for a job instead of attending all these meetings I make him go to, even though he understands I make him go because I love him and it's good for him. It doesn't matter anyway, though, because God has cured him of addiction, and the AA people don't understand that God can cure you of anything if He wants to, and God has taken away his desire to use drugs. And he could quit methadone if he wanted to, but he won't because he told me that he wouldn't, so it's just another way I'm keeping him from achieving his full potential. I'm holding him back spiritually.

He said all these things REALLY LOUD.

I pointed out that there was still some time left in his busy day of doing nothing, and that I'd be glad to give him a ride to church if he wanted to go. He'd gotten some phone numbers about his church's addiction treatment program the last time he attended, and he'd never called them back. I also suggested that he might have some time to look for a job in the 23 hours each day when he's not in a meeting.

It was VERY bitchy of me to have noticed that there are 23 other hours in the days that he goes to meetings, which isn't even every day. He doesn't understand how I can go to my meetings and buy into the "program" language about how addiction is a disease and have so little compassion for him. He's sick, he has a disease, and he can't be expected to go to meetings and attend church and get a job all at the same time.

It was at this point in his rant that things became clearer for me. He'd just told me he was cured of his addiction, but now, he was back to being very, very sick in his addiction, and somehow, all of it was my fault for not understanding. I realized that I was trying to understand and empathize with his desire to wear a tinfoil hat, and that I needed to stop and back out of the situation. I left and went to yoga.

The worst part, though, is that he failed to use any of the tools he's been acquiring in all these meetings. He didn't call his sponsor. He didn't pray. He didn't call a program friend. He called his mom, and he's spending the night with his parents. While I am glad to have him out of the house for the evening, I am sad that he made a choice that will likely result in him using. Maybe it won't, but based on his behavior today, it seems way, way likely.

I wasn't happy being separated from him, but I was doing it, and I was getting more and more comfortable as time passed. I'm so sad that he's coming unglued now, and I wish that it wouldn't happen. I got a lot of hope out of the month that he put together of really, really working on himself, and I don't want to move backwards.

We have a marriage counseling appointment tomorrow, and I hope he shows up. If he does, we'll certainly have a lot to talk about. I need to get clear for myself on what I need, what is my baseline. I can't live like that anymore.