Friday, November 14, 2008

God's Will for Me and the Power to Carry it Out.

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."
-Havelock Ellis

I'm starting my second round of the ninth step this weekend, but I am struggling with 11th step issues. I am looking and looking and looking for God's will for me, and I'm not sure what it might be.

It seems ungodly of God to want my marriage to end; it seems like God would want a marriage to be restored. Maybe God is mad at my marriage for springing from the seed of infidelity. Maybe God is mad at me for having a second marriage. Maybe that God I don't believe in is the God who's handling my life right now.

Sometimes, I feel like all the evidence in my life is pointing me toward ending everything with my husband, cutting all ties, and moving on. I want to pack up my belongings, sell my house, and move far, far, far away from this city that he haunts. Other times, it feels like every ounce of me is empty without my husband. It feels like I was born to love him, and no other life is optional. It feels like it's me, on my insides, that's haunted by him, and leaving him won't exorcise that connection. Nothing's going to get this demon out of me.

I want to know what it is I'm supposed to be doing, and I guess what I'm supposed to be doing is waiting and seeking God's will for me...waiting for the strength to carry it out.