I am feeling awfully emptied out in so many ways. I'm tired. I'm overwrought. I miss my husband. I'm afraid.
I am angry. He's sucked me dry, and now he's shoving me off. I spoke with him briefly last night. I'm not sure why I opened that door. He talked about what it's going to be like in his next relationship and how he can't do anything to please me. Nothing's ever good enough.
It frustrates the hell out of me. No, it's not ever good enough for you to be high and a leach, but I'm pretty sure that it's not going to be good enough anywhere he takes that behavior. He responds to me as if I'm some kind of a gold digger, which is absolutely maddening. In his mind, he can either be clean and unemployed or using and working...and in his mind, the money he makes for working is his reward that should have nothing to do with bills that need to be paid.
I want the sick stuff inside of me that still loves him to get out of me. It's like poison in my blood, and I want it out. I don't want to feel the need to be close to him.
I'm on the ninth step, and I'd planned to make amends with him this time. Last time, I'd committed myself to making a living amends and to stop enabling. I've done that part well, but there's more I'd like to make right with him...like my inability to let him go...my obsessive clinging to the fantasy of the man who I wish he would be. I'm recognizing, though, that he's not ready to hear it, and I'm not ready to say it. Every bit of me aches for him, and I can't let go of the outcome. I'm still composing my amends as if it's going to save my marriage, and that's not the right way to go about it. I've got to sit on this one for a while.