I still taste his kisseslike candy in my mouth.
-"Lonesome Blues" by the Be Good Tanyas
I am angry at myself for letting me relapse on you. I'm detoxing, again. I can't stop thinking about your mouth.
Today, I want to give up and tell you to come home. I want to tell you that I'll do whatever it takes not to have to lose proximity to your mouth.
At the meeting I went to last night, the topic was denial. I used to think of denial as that thing I felt in the face of your using, where I'd not even let myself admit the possibility that it could be happening. Today, my denial is different. I'm in denial that my life might be better without you.
I have a good life. I have good friends. I have a connection to my God. I have cool pets. I have a great job that I enjoy, and I'm making enough money to pay the bills by myself. I help a lot of people. I'm healthy. I'm attractive. I'm smart. When I take an inventory of my life without you in it, it's wonderful, or it should be wonderful...but I don't feel it. All I feel is the pain in my guts for wanting you.
And I'd trade it all. I'd give up everything if it could bring you back to me. I'd give up the sanity I've found in my efforts to compensate for your madness if I could find a way to live with you. I'd be ugly and stupid and broke and never, ever write another word if it would make us so we could live together. I wish I could just let it all go, and I know I can't.
I'm spending the rest of the day not calling you. I don't know what I want to say, but I want to call you. I know from experience that when I most want to call you, I most shouldn't. Nothing good will come of it, and if you hear my deep longing for you in my voice, you'll use it to hurt me.
I don't know what to do with myself. I miss you, and I love you from the deepest place inside me.
Your Wife.
Today, I want to give up and tell you to come home. I want to tell you that I'll do whatever it takes not to have to lose proximity to your mouth.
At the meeting I went to last night, the topic was denial. I used to think of denial as that thing I felt in the face of your using, where I'd not even let myself admit the possibility that it could be happening. Today, my denial is different. I'm in denial that my life might be better without you.
I have a good life. I have good friends. I have a connection to my God. I have cool pets. I have a great job that I enjoy, and I'm making enough money to pay the bills by myself. I help a lot of people. I'm healthy. I'm attractive. I'm smart. When I take an inventory of my life without you in it, it's wonderful, or it should be wonderful...but I don't feel it. All I feel is the pain in my guts for wanting you.
And I'd trade it all. I'd give up everything if it could bring you back to me. I'd give up the sanity I've found in my efforts to compensate for your madness if I could find a way to live with you. I'd be ugly and stupid and broke and never, ever write another word if it would make us so we could live together. I wish I could just let it all go, and I know I can't.
I'm spending the rest of the day not calling you. I don't know what I want to say, but I want to call you. I know from experience that when I most want to call you, I most shouldn't. Nothing good will come of it, and if you hear my deep longing for you in my voice, you'll use it to hurt me.
I don't know what to do with myself. I miss you, and I love you from the deepest place inside me.
Your Wife.
