Friday, January 11, 2008

I Can't Do It.

I need a break. I've tried twice to tell him that he's got to leave, and I can't do it. As long as I'm not talking to him, not looking at him, I am ready to tell him to go. As soon as I start telling him that I need him to go, I can't do it.

The words get stuck in my throat. He is so very fucked up. It's sad. He's sad. I don't want him to be so sad. I don't want to make him sadder.

I don't want to be without him. I don't want to be with him like this. I want to be able to think, to breathe, to take care of myself, and I can't do it with him around. It's hard to breathe when he's in the room.

"You think I've been using?" he asked.

"Yes. I think you've been using since right before Christmas."

"I haven't been!"

"What's been going on, then? What's making you act like this?"

"I did mess up one time, but it's been a long time. That has nothing to do with what's going on now."

I don't know what to say to him. I know he's lying. He's using. He doesn't act this way unless he's using. I understand it all, and I don't understand anything.

What I don't understand is that he knows the way out. He knows what he needs to do to get better, and he won't do it. He is miserable in the life he's living, and on the other side of it there's love, life, happiness. It's all well within his grasp.

I miss my husband.