Sunday, January 13, 2008

The Ancient Tribal Junkies Of The Southeastern United States.

Several thousand years ago, a syringe-worshiping peoples inhabited this particular region. They had a rather simple civilization...most likely they robbed neighboring tribespeople and traded stolen goods for the small amount of food they desired and other necessities.

It just so happens that my husband and I have purchased a piece of real estate located precisely over the sacred syringe burial ground of these people, and our house appears to be infested with these ancient syringe artifacts. In fact, a syringe appeared in our bedroom just this morning. It appeared to have fallen out of a pocket of his pants; however, it seems that the logical explanation for how he syringe got on our floor was that, due to the particular molecular structure of this tribe's sacred syringes, it was absorbed from the earth through the floorboards of our home and emerged, fully formed, on our bedroom carpet.

My husband has no idea where this syringe might have come from, so it seems that the only logical explanation is that it is very, very old. Ancient. It was so old, in fact, that he had to demonstrate the needle's lack of a sharp edge, the crustiness of the brownish substance caking the sides, the plunger's lack of pliability. Sure, he used to dabble a bit with heroin and syringes and all that, but it's been, like, almost a MONTH since he last used, and the needle couldn't possibly have anything to do with him using. It couldn't possibly be his. Could I, possibly, have planted it there to trap him? (Yes, he suggested this.) Perhaps it belongs to someone else. (No one except for me and him has been in this house in over a month.) Maybe it's from when he relapsed (Note: relapsED. It's in the past. Don't put it in the present, or you might get a tantrum.) Maybe it's one he set aside, you know, for sentimental reasons. Maybe he was going to make a scrapbook or something.

22 comments:

Mrs. Midlife Crisis, nee Hadenuffproblemsubastard said...

Hmmm. Ancient, needles magically surfacing up through the sacred ancient burial ground and onto your floor? Perhaps you need to clarify that this was not quite the type of miracle you were looking for.

Better yet, if push comes to shove, you could explain to him that there once lived an ancient tribe of female foot-worshippers -- UP HIS ASS!

Athena said...

Yes, it seems that we do. IT IS HARD, isn't it?

(Thank goodness that we can do hard things)

~Hugs~

~e~ said...

ah the elusive artifact syringe...of course! you should like, frame it! that's some Ripley's Believe It or Not shit right there!!

I love that you're maintaining such a fantastic sense of humour amongst the insanity. This made me laugh out loud (don't tell anyone, but I might even have peed a little) :>

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I'm allowed to comment? Oh, I don't know what to say. Now I have stage fright. Can I just say I really love you?

longvowels said...

I vote for scrap booking.

SUBOXONE MOM said...

God bless your sense of humor in the most trying of times........

It's hard to remember that He has a plan for us.

Hugs to you always JW.....

SubMom

R said...

Or maybe it was being saved for a museum exhibit. Those ancient tribal junkies need to be remembered. His new job could be curator.

Ashley said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Ewha said...

I can't believe he's so careless. That he expends such little effort to hide that he's using would bother me almost as much as the fact that he is.

laurie said...

"addicts fucking suck" indeed.
I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you lots. I am so sorry for what you are going through (seems inadequate but you know what I mean). But more, I want to say again how much I admire you - your self awareness, your humour, your perspective, your clear-sightedness, your maturity and your beautiful writing.
Take good care and a big virtual hug.

Anybeth said...

fuck.

Wayward Son said...

It's good you still have access to that sharp wit of yours. It has been my experience that humor, no matter how dark, is a stalwart friend that will never betray me.

Perhaps the spontaneously appearing needle did so to bring the problem (once again) into everyone's line of sight. What can one say? As you have so creatively illustrated, any debate over how it got here is just absurd. And while I urge you to believe in miracles, I definitely suggest you not believe in accidents—there are none. Every day I see in my own life evidence that everything that happens has a purpose.

Lastly, try and remember that even in the worst of times there are more things that go right in a single day then there are that go wrong. I find that remembering that helps, if only a little.

WS

Jaqui said...

Its great that you can still find humor in a tough situation. I think that finding something to laugh at is the only reason I haven't murdered someone yet.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

You've won a very prestigious Award;

You Mesmerized Us

Chris said...

Insults your integrity dosen't it? That he thinks you are dumb enough to believe this kind of shit. Long about now, I would have to say, See ya would't want to be ya..... You have alot of patience. Matter of fact the exact thing took place with my ex after we had cleaned up, or so I thought. He had his stash taped to the bottom of the end table drawer. I would have to of stood on my head to find it, which when the drawer came off the track, I almost did to get it back in. Then, is when I found them. Last Straw! It all made sense to me in that moment. I packed his bags and the last I heard, He was using some other poor unsuspecting, naive young woman. As for me, Never Again. Thank You God for letting that drawer mess up that day........Prayers for U

Megan said...

Magnets. Must have been the shifting of the earth's magnetic field. Happens every 10,000 years or so.

abbiegrrl said...

Keep that wicked wit. I can't imagine how you feel. Just don't kill anyone. (today) Some days, i try to just go to bed earlier, or watch a movie, or something to numb my brain...I remember being so-angry-I-was-shaking in similar circumstances, but since I am a recovering addict, I have no idea how you must feel.
I heart you, and I know you will get through this.

hugs
abbiegrrl

sKILLz said...

Oh man this has happened to me many times. These magic needles come out of nowhere and I THINK the lil green men are putting them around Im not sure but now that it has happened to soeone else I have another witness!

Polly Kahl said...

That's awful! What a safety hazard, not to mention enough to make you crazy and homocidal. Talk about walking on pins and needles. You've heard of the elephant in the living room? To overcome that "needle in the bedroom" syndrome, here's a fun little art project you could do with the syringe. Glue it onto the bottom of a shoe box. Then glue a piece of saran wrap over the top as the lid. Hang it on the wall, art gallery style. Put a little sign over it with an arrow pointing down: "Break open in case of emergency." Kind of like pushing a dog's nose into its own poop.

Strumpfkunst.de said...

Your sharp wit never ceases to amaze me... even in the most trying times.

It amazes me almost as much as the stupid-ass lies that guys think they can get away with. Seriously - if women ever need to lie or deceive, at least we are good at it! Suggesting that you planted it must have been the last straw...

Reminds me of my ex when I found an sms by the woman he was cheating with. A) Why didn't he delete the sms? B) He didn't even know exactly what it said anymore.

So his explanation was - a) she was just a good friend. Then a good friend with a weird sense of humor that I just couldn't grasp. Well, the funny lady told him they couldn't f*** this weekend because she had her period - which is when I threw the phone at him and left.

Honestly... at least get better at lying and stop insulting our intelligence.

Girl, start throwing things... might not help, but feels great.

Chloe said...

I think the cat who gives haircuts left it there.

vicariousrising said...

Scrapbooking. Oh my god. I just love you.

My heart goes out to you. I hope things get better for you soon.
~Judith