Sunday, November 18, 2007
Scouter says I'm boring. I've been on a blog vacation, I guess, ignoring my Junky's Wife duties. Those of you who've been with me from the beginning remember how I used to post like every fifteen minutes, and then for a while, I posted every day. Now I'm posting just sometimes. There's so much changing that it's hard to know what to say here.
Mr. Junky is still doing maddeningly well with his MMT. He's a big old barrel-full of fucking happy. I've spoken with a few experts, and it's apparently the case that methadone is the cure for EVERYTHING, and it makes you know EVERYTHING...and not only do you know everything, but you know it really, really loud.
And while he sometimes works my nerves with his loud, loud brilliance, it is very nice to see my husband. He feels better. He looks better. He's helping around the house. He's working and bringing the money to me. He's working really hard on himself. At the present moment, the man I fell in love with is here. The drug addict who has been occupying his body is hiding. That's a beautiful thing.
I finished my fifth step this weekend. I met with my step group, and we all told each other our business. It was really good to hear everyone talking about their darkest secrets, and funny to realize that all the dark stuff really isn't so dark, so precious, so unique. We're all really similar in so many ways.
One thing that working the steps has made me realize about myself is my need to do everything perfect is kind of insane. I kept feeling all this anxiety that the other members of my group said they'd also felt about not doing it right, not talking about everything, not figuring myself out enough. When I heard the other folks saying the same stuff, it occurred to me that they were being ridiculous (funny how easy it is to spot ridiculous thinking in other folks!). The steps don't have expiration dates on them. We can come back and re-evaluate later. I've got plenty to work on with the stuff I've already uncovered about myself, and I can come back and see what else crops up in the future.
See, Scouter? There's everything and nothing to say. I'm strangely wordless and bored with my drama. I usually find me to be so fascinating! I'll get it together, though, for you if for no one else (pleaselovemei'llworkharderi'lldobetter!).