"...the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely..."
I knew I was getting a mess when I got my man. It was something I had to do, something I had to see. If it wasn't going to work, I needed a list of reasons to carry around with me about how or why it didn't work. I needed to be able to put a stopper on my endless flow of feelings for him, to look myself in the mirror, look in my own eyes, and say, "He's wonderful, and I love him, but we don't work together." I needed to give the thing between us a chance to grow.
And I got a mess, for sure. The past year has been hard, hard, hard. And I think I've collected lots of useful evidence for the lists I've been building, the lists of why we do or don't work as a couple. That's what I came to this relationship for...answers to whether or not what felt like the real deal true love, real, romantic, Anthony and Cleopatra, Romeo and Juliet love, was really as special as it felt...was sustainable, endurable, nourishing.
What I didn't expect to find, though, was all this strength in myself. I didn't expect that getting so awfully entangled and having to pick my way out of it would be so healing. It was emergency healing...healing by necessity and in some pretty awful conditions...but it is steal healing.
And not matter what happens with this relationship, I'll still have these things: I'll have my answers about him, and I'll have me.