Thursday, November 15, 2007

Schooling Me.

Mr. Junky has developed a new habit in his wonderfully smug state of methadone goodness. Suddenly, he has all these things to teach me about recovery, the steps, growth, gratitude. He's not used in something like a week, and I think he's been to two meetings in that time, and so now he is, like, totally Program Joe.

I've been feeling pretty lousy for the last few days. I'm stuck in a really nasty situation, and I've been doing a lot of work on myself over the last few months. I'm damn glad I've done it, too, and I've grown, and I'm doing well. But it's still hard, hard, hard to know that he is just at the beginning of his recovery, again...that all the times that it's seemed like we were just around the corner from being better, it's just not been true. I've let myself, however, be as miserable as I've needed to be. I've given myself permission to feel bad, to be angry, to be glum for a few days. I've got the tools to get out of it, and already today, some of the weight has been lifted. His confession when I got back into town now has begun to look like a great development...he's trying to be honest. He worked yesterday, and he brought me home the money he made. We went and bought groceries with that money. That's a beautiful thing. At the time, it didn't seem so, but today, it does.

I know how to handle my business. I've got friends, a sponsor, and a program. It pisses me off to no end when he starts telling me how I should be behaving, what I should be grateful for, and how I should feel.

It's important for me to remember how angry it makes me, though...as he has his own journey, and I like to think that I know better what he should be doing (I mean, 'cause I really, totally DO know better what he should be doing). It bothers me when he's telling me how I should think and feel, and I bet it bothers him as well (even though he, like, really needs it, because he can't do anything right without me).

13 comments:

Mantramine said...

Yeah, bit o' a penis head. Silly G. Those hairon addicts are pretty wise out of the gate, aren't they?

ble blah blah bleh blah.

I'm very happy for you that he brought groceries home and stuff. Yay! Good junkie

Wayward Son said...

If you want to know what it's like to REALLY be told how to feel and what to do in your program, go to any 12 step meeting full of gay men who have been clean for about a half hour. It's lesson after lesson after lesson in acceptance.

I like that he gave you money for groceries. That's a big step in the right direction. And whose to say we can't be grateful and pissed off at the same time?

sKILLz said...

Let him know that it bothers you him trying to tell you what you should be doing when he only has a week clean.
Maybe by him telling you, hes trying to tell himself at the same time?

Shifra said...

HAHA, I was just having that conversation today about someone who has been in NUMEROUS shitty relationships and fuck buddy situations and when I let some guy I shouldn't have get in my brain she says to me in her newly "in love, relationship status" that my PROBLEM was that I wasn't thinking in the first place! Its all my fault and thats what I get. Listen to ME now because I'm in a relationship. Thank you mother superior.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Oh, I hate it when I am in a funk and using my tools to work my way out and my husband says something all serene about recovery. Bleh!

Pearl said...

My husband did the same thing after his relapse. I think, at least for my husband, he was trying to have some control over my emotions because he was feeling a lack of control over his own emotions. It was easier for him to tell me how to forgive him because he was having a hard time forgiving himself.

I think you're really handling your situation wisely. You're allowing yourself to be mad but moving forward at the same time. So many people just put aside their anger and that turns into resentment that is hard to get rid of.

ScOuT said...

It sucks that he has to have his own process, doesn't it? And it also sucks that its been so fucking, fucking SLOW! The good news is -- you CAN see progress. There is movement now you can actually SEE where before there was only talk, talk, talk.
You are da bomb, my friend.
Love you,
Scout

vicariousrising said...

Funny that he should have time to think about how you should be thinking and behaving with all the work he should be focusing on himself. I wonder if that turtleneck sweater is itchy on the dickhead. Love the pic.

Strumpfkunst.de said...

Didn't you have a similar discussion with him before? Sounds so familiar...

When little kids learn something new and try to "teach" you, it's cute. A grown man, I would probably smash his head into the wall.

I am freshly in love and have found the guy I want to marry, by the way. He doesn't know yet, but hey.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=SPa03mia3-I

Recovery Discovery said...

It bothers me when he's telling me how I should think and feel, and I bet it bothers him as well

longvowels said...

yay! money for groceries!

Doc's Girl said...

I'm keeping you in my prayers, my dear... I'm glad that you are vigilant about your own program. :)

ScOuT said...

ZzzzzzZZZzzzz......
I need some JW, PLEASE!