Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I thought you'd be happy to see me.

I went out of town this weekend, and I got back yesterday. I was tired, but I'd had a nice time seeing friends and enjoying nice weather.

He met me at the door. He's feeling pretty good now that his methadone dose is regulated, and so he's just a big old barrel full of happy. I'm glad he's feeling better. I really am. I hope this methadone business works. However, there's no methadone for me. I don't feel better. I feel as bad as I've ever felt. It was good getting away, but coming back home felt something like the way it must feel to be this poor kitty.

So he met me at the door, smiling, and he put his arms around me. It was nice, but I was aloof. He pulled me inside, and he sat me down on his lap and told me he had to tell me something. He wanted me to know that he used one day last week.

"I still didn't feel right. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'm sorry. I feel better now. I had to tell you."

I know, I should be glad he's being honest. At the moment, though, I just didn't care. I don't care. I don't want to hear about it. I don't want his honesty if it's not good news. I don't want to hear any more about how he's feeling, what he's doing, what he's done, what he's going to do.

I want to see it. Show me. Show me good things.

He was very hurt that I wasn't thrilled with coming home to this cold, wet life, that I wasn't ecstatic that he'd scrounged up $30 to use but wasn't able to come up with a damn dime to help me pay bills or buy groceries, that the sheer miracle of his honesty wasn't enough. He didn't understand why I wasn't happy to see him.

It's just a mix, now, and I'm tired, tired, tired. I understand that it's hard for him to tell me the truth. I understand that this new, burgeoning truthfulness is an important step in the right direction. I am proud of him for it. But it doesn't make it stop hurting. It doesn't make this life more bearable right now.

He's not staying with me tonight, and maybe he won't stay here for a few days. I need some time and space for myself. I need him out of my line of sight so I can think about what I need, what I want. I'm tired of thinking about his feelings, his needs, his wants.

15 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Cold, wet life. That's a perfect description. And that "whatever" depression -- that "I'm tired of hurting and things in my life sucking so much" set in to me too after my husband's recent relapse. Bleh! More hugs coming at you from me.

Wayward Son said...

It's tough doing what is best for oneself, especially when the one you love the most cannot do what's best for himself. You are a smart, creative, ambitious, spiritually, wonderful person who is finding the only way to save the world is to save yourself. It's tough, tough tough. But you can do it—of this I am certain. And whatever choices you make in this direction, the universe will support you. So will I.

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

I am glad to see you... posting again. Take care TJW and best of luck.

clyde said...

if i stole something from you - like a laptop - and i said, "i stole this; i am sorry," and was deeply sincere, but kept the laptop - the apology would be worthless. yet, what he is stealing from you - safety, self-respect, confidence, years of your life - each time he uses can't be returned through any form of apology.

he needs to learn the meaning of zero tolerance. that kitty in the pic didn't want a bath, but got one anyway. g needs a bath - all of his buddies, all his connections, all his everything ... choice time: you or them. zero tolerance.

Belly said...

Good for you. I don't think you think about yourself enough hun. I know you want to see the best and hold onto hope and obviously sometimes you need to, but please don't always do that by giving up your own happiness or your own future. You have to look out for you, he has to look out for him, you can't protect your both.

ScOuT said...

Share, girl. I'm here to listen and to support you.
Love you, J Dubs,
Scout

Inmatez Wife said...

That is wonderful, you are finally taking care of you! It is so hard to do, I know, and I think it is amazing the unconditional love you have for your husband, I really do. I also think it is way overdo for you to have some of that love for yourself.
It is hard for us, those who love addicts, as well as for addicts, to just take time to love ourselves. Take much time for that, much much time.
This was a great post to read.

woman.anonymous7 said...

I relate to that out of synch feeling. And sometimes I worry that I'll negatively impact Husband's recovery when I'm in a down part of the cycle and he's all happy about something he uncovered in therapy or something like that. But I've decided that part of my recovery is sticking with my own feelings and my own process, and that without my recovery/growth there's no future for us, no matter how much recovery Husband gets under his belt. Because it's true...his recovery doesn't really resolve my pain.

Rae said...

Thinking of you and sending prayers your way.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.

msb said...

xoxoxox from across the way.

vicariousrising said...

I liked how you sounded on your own behalf in this post. I wish it didn't have to be so hard on you.

Sending my best thoughts for you both,
Judith

Strumpfkunst.de said...

Yes! You have rights, too! You have the right to hurt, and to feel safe, and to just not care about everyone else for a while!

I am just glad that you are claiming your right!

You know we love you... :)

Recovering Wino said...

The word repent means to turn and go in the other direction. Which is why sorry isn't good enough. People can be sorry and not change their ways. When you see what you need to see, that total life direction change, then you realize that change is accomplished.

Take time for yourself and care for you.

~Babzbitchin~ said...

It's just awful to be a junky, just awful. I imagine if he could really turn back the hands of time he would. The road to happiness is never paved with good intention, is it?

sKILLz said...

I understand the wet kitty all too fucking well.