Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Who Knows.

After realizing that he'd acted like a jackass last night, he went to bed very early and was quiet in that extra-sulky, addicty, head-buried-beneath the covers way. It was fine with me. I didn't like him anymore, and I didn't want to hang out.

It gets all under my skin, though...sometimes, I wonder if I haven't remained married to this man, or even if I might have fallen in love with this man, because I can't figure him out. I stand before him like an enigma...like he's a riddling bridge troll I've got to get past before I can move on with my life, and the riddles he keeps coming up with stump me again and again.

I hate the weird attitude, too, of needing to go hide after acting crazy. He gets upset with me for seeing him act like an asshole, or he's upset with me for noticing that his behavior was ridiculous...as if the problem is in my noticing.

It does help me, though, when I read your comments. It helps me to know that this shitty, pissy, foot-stomping addict mess is normal addict mess. It helps me to keep perspective. It helps me to read my own writing, my own thinking from the night before when I was so pleased with him.

I do tire, however, of this constant evaluation...the perpetual re-positioning of myself against my life. I am always looking at me, looking at him, looking at us and our lives and trying to figure out if where we are is where we need to be, if where I am is where I want to be...if this life is tolerable. There's a lot of measuring, weighing, checking and balancing. I am hoping that my vigilance now will pay off in simplicity in the future, that a day will come when every moment won't require an analysis to see if it's worth it. I'm hoping that one day it will all be worth it.

I'm so wise. I'm investing. I'm taking a risk with the hope of a future return. We'll see what happens.

Now, with all that said, I think you should all go read the Cunt Face Social Club. We've taken the underground society public, and we need some lovin. I'm not sure what's going to happen with us over there, but we will be a force to be reckoned with one day. Our mission is not yet clearly defined (except, of course, for the procurement of man-slaves and eventual world-domination), and so much of our fate will depend on you, dear readers, and your responses to our fledgling posts. So check us out!

13 comments:

SUGARTHEGIRL said...

Blogging is a therapy that is almost priceless....Hopefully, he will be in a better mood in the coming days.

Anybeth said...

Hi JW, I just recently came across your blog and spent several days reading it from start to finish. I love the way you write.
My own weird brand of recovery was extremely hard on my marriage, it was a very rough year for us. But after a year and a half now things have gotten much much better. I'm so glad he stood by me when I was crazy. But he also pushed me to call people in my recovery group when I was crazy intead of trying to help me himself. It was the best thing he could do, made me use my phone list!
Anybeth

Honeybell said...

I have to say, I rarely comment just because I'm afraid I haven't got a lot to relate to you. I am at a loss for words, and just keep sending positive hippie vibes your way. Anyway, I want you to know that there is one more person out in the world rooting for you.

Now I'm RUNNING to check out Cunt Face Social Club!

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Oh, I love the riddling bridge troll. I am totally going to steal that image the way we steal each other's readers. (I'm so tired I couldn't clearly think where to put the apostrophe in that last sentence.)

Viva Cuntface!

Misty said...

"like he's a riddling bridge troll I've got to get past before I can move on with my life, and the riddles he keeps coming up with stump me again and again"

This is the best line! Prior to dealing with my crackhead husband, I was in a 5-year relationship with a heroin junkie. When I look back on those 5 years, I'm like, "What was I doing? Was I in a fog? Under a spell?" But, no...apparently, I was just trying to figure out the troll's riddles.

living hopefully, wishing and waiting.. said...

Ok,.. so I read this little bit awhile back and saved it. Its from a book called "Do you keep falling for jerks?" Long winded,.. but here goes:

I have no idea whom to blame for the romantic mythology surrounding brooding, emotionally limited, narcissistic yahoos. I’m tempted to chalk it up to movies, where most men who start out as selfish jerks are eventually revealed to be wounded birds of some sort. Or it might be the uglier side of the therapy culture, which tempts you with the idea that these jerks might be amenable to solution, like crossword puzzles.

For whatever reason, there are a surprising number of women who are attracted to guys who can’t commit, who can’t relate, who can’t get along with anyone, who can’t tell the truth… these guys get a lot of action.

It’s not that women really want jerks, exactly. I think it’s a matter of mistaking emotional clutter for emotional complexity. Here’s an analogy: Imagine a messy apartment. You walk in, you survey your surroundings, and there’s an incredible quantity of stuff lying around. Books in tall stacks, Chinese food containers in the corners, DVDs in and out of boxes scattered around the TV… the place is in chaos. And while you wouldn’t really want to live there, there might be some part of you that would look around and grudgingly admit, “There’s a lot going on here.” Now, imagine the same apartment, once somebody has managed to get it cleaned up. The books are on the shelves, the trash is thrown away, the DVDs are alphabetized. This is a much nicer place to live. But it’s a little… you know, boring. And that’s in spite of the fact that the same books are being read, the same food is being eaten, and the same DVDs are being watched. You’re just in the presence of a person who knows how to clean up after himself.

I think that for a lot of women, guys in turmoil seem strangely fascinating, as if they are, by definition, more interesting than everyone else. There’s more of that clutter, so there’s more going on, and there’s more to sink your teeth into, and there’s maybe even more emotional depth to such a person.

Let me tell you something about the guys I know who are emotionally mature. The ranks of the healthy and rational include plenty of guys who have been in rehab, or been divorced, or seen their parents’ marriages end horribly, or had their own dreams thwarted in some ugly way—all the things that creeps are fond of waving around as explanations for why they lie or cheat on you or generally continue to be creeps.

The difference is that the healthy and rational people have at least undertaken the process of digesting all of that stuff and placing it in some sort of perspective so that it doesn’t have to become your problem. They know from suffering, just as much as the ones who sit around brooding into their beers and writing free verse and dragging everyone else into their little theater of agony. The sane ones are still working on their crap, too—who isn’t? The difference is that they’re not fetishizing their own misery or asking you to embrace it. And that’s a benefit to you, because the only thing you can guarantee yourself about that kind of hair-pulling drama is that if you cuddle up next to it, it’ll get on you.

You’re going to get plenty of emotional complications from anyone. Even people who have their lives very well pulled together are going to give you lots of opportunities to practice patience and understanding. There’s no point in starting out with someone who isn’t even trying.

living hopefully, wishing and waiting.. said...

Repeat this to yourself one thousand times:
Screwed-up people are not more interesting than people with their heads together. Baggage is not fascinating, romantic, or exciting. It is very, very tiring. Men who are polite and emotionally mature are hot!

Stagnant Artist said...

*whispers Viva la Cuntface!*

longvowels said...

cuntface forever!

Namenlosen Trinker said...

"he's a riddling bridge troll I've got to get past before I can move on with my life, and the riddles he keeps coming up with stump me again and again."

What a wonderful image! I love it! You do know there's a book in you, right?

DirtyBitchSociety said...

This was a good analogy, I really liked it;

"I stand before him like an enigma...like he's a riddling bridge troll I've got to get past before I can move on with my life, and the riddles he keeps coming up with stump me again and again."

me said...

Sounds awfully the same as what I deal with daily.. Hang in there babe :)

KossLady said...

In the past, before I met my husband, all I EVER fell for were jerks - addicts of one kind or another....drugs,music,alcohol,sex....for me it stemmed from my love of music and long hair on guys. One of those relationships ended up in me becoming a crackhead for 2 years. I have been clean - at least from crack - since Feb 1998, and now I'm married to a good,kind Christian man. Maybe not as exciting, but after what I went through with my exes, it's FINE WITH ME!!!! I'd suggest that your hubby go for help - whether it be a 12-step group or a Christian outreach shelter like the one that saved me - you cannot save him by yourself. Be there for him, but DO NOT enable his addiction!