After realizing that he'd acted like a jackass last night, he went to bed very early and was quiet in that extra-sulky, addicty, head-buried-beneath the covers way. It was fine with me. I didn't like him anymore, and I didn't want to hang out.
It gets all under my skin, though...sometimes, I wonder if I haven't remained married to this man, or even if I might have fallen in love with this man, because I can't figure him out. I stand before him like an enigma...like he's a riddling bridge troll I've got to get past before I can move on with my life, and the riddles he keeps coming up with stump me again and again.
I hate the weird attitude, too, of needing to go hide after acting crazy. He gets upset with me for seeing him act like an asshole, or he's upset with me for noticing that his behavior was ridiculous...as if the problem is in my noticing.
It does help me, though, when I read your comments. It helps me to know that this shitty, pissy, foot-stomping addict mess is normal addict mess. It helps me to keep perspective. It helps me to read my own writing, my own thinking from the night before when I was so pleased with him.
I do tire, however, of this constant evaluation...the perpetual re-positioning of myself against my life. I am always looking at me, looking at him, looking at us and our lives and trying to figure out if where we are is where we need to be, if where I am is where I want to be...if this life is tolerable. There's a lot of measuring, weighing, checking and balancing. I am hoping that my vigilance now will pay off in simplicity in the future, that a day will come when every moment won't require an analysis to see if it's worth it. I'm hoping that one day it will all be worth it.
I'm so wise. I'm investing. I'm taking a risk with the hope of a future return. We'll see what happens.
Now, with all that said, I think you should all go read the Cunt Face Social Club. We've taken the underground society public, and we need some lovin. I'm not sure what's going to happen with us over there, but we will be a force to be reckoned with one day. Our mission is not yet clearly defined (except, of course, for the procurement of man-slaves and eventual world-domination), and so much of our fate will depend on you, dear readers, and your responses to our fledgling posts. So check us out!