Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I Don't Feel Like It.

"I'm not feeding the dogs or letting them out when we get home. I don't feel like it."

"Really? What if I don't feel like it?"

"Then I guess it won't get done."

"OK. What if I didn't feel like paying the mortgage or buying groceries? What if I didn't feel like having a job anymore?"


It's an infuriating refrain, and it comes up again and again. Tonight was lovely, and we were on our way home from having dinner with family when he pulled out some "I Don't Feel Like It."

I never know quite how to respond to these little tantrums. What makes me angriest about them is that they are proclamations and plans. If he just came in the house and started ignoring the dogs, I'd just let them out because they needed to be let out. It's just what you do. But because he had to make a declaration of how he was letting himself off the hook for being responsible for any of the grown up work around our home, I resented every fucking second of a chore that isn't even very onerous...that is, in fact, something I look forward to doing.

"I always take care of the dogs. It's your turn," is his explanation for how this asinine assertion is anything like reasonable.

First, it's not true. He is home with them all day while I'm at work, so he spends more time with them than me; but he doesn't do a majority of the caretaking. I buy their food, groom them, walk them, talk with them, pet them, and take care of them when they're sick. I take them outside and throw the ball. I bring bones home for them from the grocery store. In spite of him being home with them all day, I'm still doing more than my share.

And second, I'm ALWAYS doing more than my share. That's the world that we're living in right's unfair, and I'm pulling more than my share of the weight. Because I love him, I am willing to pull more than my share of the weight while he is working on this whole recovery business, and it's ok. However, when he indicates in any way that he thinks some little old bullshit that he sometimes does to represent some portion of contribution to our home life is in any way unfair, I kind of want to sew his eyelids to his forehead and make him look at my bank account until he acknowledges the goddamned miracles I've been performing with my pittance of a salary in stretching it to pay our two-person bills.

I just have no idea where this shit comes from. Is it because he was raised by wolves? Is it a manifestation of the disease of addiction and its profound ability to make the addict feel entitled, wronged, and to allow him to lie to himself? Is it just that he's selfish beyond all comprehension? Is it maleness? Is it because his mother didn't spank him? What in hell would possess him to spout some nonsense like that and ruin a perfectly lovely night, a perfectly loving wife, and a perfectly planned evening of tv-watching and bed-cuddling?

And what if everyone in the world only did what they felt like doing? Like right now, I kind of feel like ordering a pizza. I kind of feel like buying a plane ticket to Maui. I never feel like working out, going to work, or going to meetings. I don't feel like supporting him while he finds himself and figures out how to live like grown folks. I bet all of you out there reading this don't really FEEL like reading probably feel like getting massaged of getting fucked or eating pie or sitting in a hot tub. Life doesn't work like that, Mr. Junky, and sometimes we just have to feed our dogs or wash our clothes or clean up after ourselves or go to work. That's how life works. It's unfortunate, but it's did you miss that memo?


Mike Adamick said...

This is a memo that should be spread around. Such a marvelous, perfect vent. With pie. I love it.

Mike at Cry It Out!

serenitynowdammit said...

Maddening, isn't it? I have to remind myself that his brain stopped maturing when he started using drugs, and he's stuck at 15. It does improve as they move along in their recovery. A 'team' talk about working together, helping each other out, taking care of our responsibilities even when we don't feel like it usually helps. Self-centeredness is very much a part of their addictive personalities. Sharing your list of what you'd rather be doing isn't a bad idea either.

R said...

Silly junky. I have a friend who adopted kids with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder.) Once, when they were busy doing half-assed jobs of their chores, she decided to demonstrate the effects. She drove one of the kids half-way to a ball game and told him to get out of the car. She calmly explained that since he was only doing half of his job, she would only do half of hers. The kid got it. I wonder if Mr. Junky would.

Broken said...

lol...your way of putting things is just perfect...I love it! P.S. That memo really sucks!

Wayward Son said...

Kids say the darndest things.

Misty said...

Oh my fucking god. I remember that shit!!!!!!!

Wow. Yeah. Wow.

Dharmashanti said...

I remember those days. And they do suck! And there is no single answer for everyone on how to deal with this.

But if you focus on your own recovery through Al-Anon, etc., you will find the answers that are right for you.

Remember this isn't only his journey. This is your journey, too, with or without him. It's something those of us with addicts in our lives tend to forget. It's not all about them.

Peace out!

singleMILF said...

Hey Girl...

Father of my kid loves to push my bottons...he was addicted to coke when we met...once an addict always an addict.

Anyway, I had to learn to put my supergirl persona on (still do) when he comes around.

When he pushes my buttons I turn into a six year old (or use to). Fair or not, I had to be the one to grow up and not have my own tantrums along with him. Harder said than done.

At least you can walk away from him if you want to...I'm stuck dealing with father of my child's bullshit until said child is about learning boundaries.

take care..."the devil" short story i wrote (in 1994) about abuse on my blog today.

Stagnant Artist said...

i love it...... wtf? I don't wanna. Well fuck i don't wanna all the time, but i know i hafta! I like R's idea....about the mom driving someone half way. wonder how G would respond to that.

mcewen said...

Interesting perspective. I was just writing to a pal of mine about how 99% of the world's population repeats their daily functions [cleaning, tidying, washing etc] every day, dull, dull, dull, but we just keep doing it, we have no choice. I wonder how we get to be on the other side, the 1% who get to choose?
BEst wishes

isabella mori said...

do i "feel" like reading your blog? well, it's definitely not the same as eating apple pie or having a bubble bath. it's more like having a cold shower. and i'm glad i did it, every time, just like i'm glad ever time i go work out in my pal's garden in the cold and rain way too early in the morning.

but of course i know what "feel like" is like. when i am tempted to do "feel like", i want to/need to retreat into a cozy little imaginary corner, into some childlike safety. fortunately my adult brain tells me that's a luxury but what if my adult brain doesn't kick in?

and apart from all of that, of course it's manipulative and therefore, prime material for pissing others off, as you demonstrate so well.

thanks for sharing all this.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Oooooooh his eyelids to his forehead, oh fuck, that's funny!