Thursday, October 11, 2007

Oh, Thank God.

It's meeting night tonight. I am so very, very much in need of a good meeting. I got charmed out of my last meeting by the garlic bread at G's family's dinner and the very sincere look in his eyes when he told me that he wished I'd stay and eat with his folks.

I know better than to skip my meeting, and really, he knows better than to talk me out of my meeting. Without a good dose of Nar-Anon, I end up stomping through our house with rage in my eyes like a zombie. I wake up in the mornings with my mind already agitated, cycling through all the things he's done wrong, worrying about all the things he will do wrong, fretting about how I'm going to find a satisfactory stopping place for this MADNESS.

He is in his second day at a job that seems to be going well. I hope this one sticks. I'm sweating it, though, as the schedule is going to mess up the meeting that we like to go to together, the one with Nar-Anon and NA in the same building. He'd started to develop some relationships with folks there, so now he'll have to find a new meeting and start fresh. It won't be as easy as it was to just go when I'm going. Even though I know it's been his thing and he's come to value the meetings for how they've been helping him, I also need the peace of mind I get from him having his own program to work. I guess I'll worry about it when the time comes to worry, and focus on keeping my side of the street clean in the mean time.

My side is getting a little weedy...

4 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

My husband can always tell when I skip a yoga class. I turn into a raging psycho. Isn't it a shame we need to do upkeep -- shouldn't we be just flat out sane by now?

Namenlosen Trinker said...

Yeah, that's certainly one thing meetings are for—to keep our little squirt bottles of Roundup full.

longvowels said...

this how i feel about yoga. when i miss it i get all stampy!

Dharmashanti said...

I applaud your awareness!

We've all been there; focusing all of our attention on the addict's drama, paying little if any attention to our own pile of rubbish. And that's okay.

What's great is that you see it.

It is also natural to crave and grasp and cling to the pleasant things in life (him having a job, not using, etc.) and to try to push away the negative (often by trying to work someone else's program). It is a natural response to the trauma of addiction.

But you're working your program, and as you do, you will learn to stop craving pleasure and stop avoiding negative and just accept whatever comes up. You will find peace no matter what happens.

Peace,
Dharma