I'm being kind to myself today. I slept in a bit, with the whole bed to myself. He spent the night with his folks last night and is doing some work for them today. I came to work leisurely, listening to good music and thinking good thoughts. Tonight, I'm going to walk my doggy and do some yoga and write. I've got plans to gift myself with peace, and nobody or nothing is going to mess that up for me.
I am becoming more and more mindful, and it's making me kind to myself and others. I am not letting myself get swept up in crazy. I don't know why my natural instinct is crazy. I don't know why the first thoughts that occur to me are so dark, so heavy. I have never before been in a place where I can just slap away that heaviness, though.
And maybe it's all in the perception of how my mind is structured. I always thought of depression as something attacking the mind...like a disease actually hurting an organism. Gradually, I came to think of it more as a parasite praying on my mind, which made it seem less intrinsic, but still attached, still destructive. Lately, though, it seems more like a spider web...depression weaves itself across my mind. It's always there, and if I ignore it long enough, it'll get pretty cluttered and dense. If I just stay on top of it, though, I can keep it clear, just brush it down.
For someone who has always thought of herself as so smart, I'd never really appreciated how powerful my mind can be.