Monday, October 1, 2007


“Generosity is another quality which, like patience, letting go, non-judging, and trust, provides a solid foundation for mindfulness practice. You might experiment with using the cultivation of generosity as a vehicle for deep self-observation and inquiry as well as an exercise in giving. A good place to start is with yourself. See if you can give yourself gifts that may be true blessings, such as self-acceptance, or some time each day with no purpose. Practice feeling deserving enough to accept these gifts without obligation-to simply receive from yourself, and from the universe.”
-Jon Kabat-Zinn

I'm being kind to myself today. I slept in a bit, with the whole bed to myself. He spent the night with his folks last night and is doing some work for them today. I came to work leisurely, listening to good music and thinking good thoughts. Tonight, I'm going to walk my doggy and do some yoga and write. I've got plans to gift myself with peace, and nobody or nothing is going to mess that up for me.

I am becoming more and more mindful, and it's making me kind to myself and others. I am not letting myself get swept up in crazy. I don't know why my natural instinct is crazy. I don't know why the first thoughts that occur to me are so dark, so heavy. I have never before been in a place where I can just slap away that heaviness, though.

And maybe it's all in the perception of how my mind is structured. I always thought of depression as something attacking the a disease actually hurting an organism. Gradually, I came to think of it more as a parasite praying on my mind, which made it seem less intrinsic, but still attached, still destructive. Lately, though, it seems more like a spider web...depression weaves itself across my mind. It's always there, and if I ignore it long enough, it'll get pretty cluttered and dense. If I just stay on top of it, though, I can keep it clear, just brush it down.

For someone who has always thought of herself as so smart, I'd never really appreciated how powerful my mind can be.


The Discovering Alcoholic said...

Addiction is not logical. Those afflicted can not operate in the real world, and those of us who love them can not relate to their behavior.

I think we sometimes use red hot anger or self destructive acceptance as ways to deal with these things because there is no good or practiced alternative that is instictively available.

Dealing with addicts and alcoholics takes mucho training.

Recovery Discovery said...

oooh, spider web. Yet another concept for my toolbox. Thanks!

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Check you out with the awesome metaphors. I love the spider webs...