Monday, October 1, 2007

What Was Mine.

And if the whole world’s singing your songs,
And all of your paintings have been hung,

Just remember what was yours is everyone’s from now on.

And that’s not wrong or right,
But you can struggle with it all you like
You'll only get uptight.
-Wilco, "What Light"

I'm working to remember it. The experiences I share as a writer are mine, and I want to guard them jealously; however, they're here, and they're not mine anymore once I put them up. I had a good relationship with poetry, with letting it go once I'd written it and shared it. This forum is different, though...the stuff I'm writing is so clearly personal, so raw and real and unprocessed and unfiltered and immediate that sometimes getting feedback freaks me out a bit.

I tried to remember what I started this whole adventure in bloggery for: I had some stuff going on, and I was feeling a need to tell my story. That was it in the beginning. All I had was a title and a story to tell, and so I just kind of started telling it, in medias res, without explanation. I had no aspirations at the beginning of making friends or publishing things or even really helping folks out. It didn't take long, though, before I did find friends here, and support, and growth, and I started finding myself in a role of helping people. It freaked me out at first, and I kept posting all of these disclaimers: I don't know anything! I'm just writing stuff! Don't come here for answers!

And now I'm more comfortable with being a source of information or help for folks...I'm not an expert and I don't really know anything, but I do know that I've been helped tremendously by the wisdom of other people who have dealt with addiction in their lives. If reading how I've dealt with my crazy helps you, then I'm happy with that...I'm happy I've helped, and I'm happy in myself that I'm in a place to be able to help.

There are still moments, though, when I have to stop and ask myself what I'm doing here and what are my goals and how I'm presenting myself and why it's sometimes scary...and since it's sometimes scary, why do I keep doing it?

And I guess that's because there is some truth here, my truth. It's mine, and it's more than mine, too.


Recovering Wino said...

I love you, and I'm glad you are writing your story. Everyone's story needs to be told.

Wayward Son said...

It is your truth and it is beautiful... or should I say it is beautiful and it is your truth. Chicken or egg? No matter, it's all beautiful and it's all true.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I am wondering some of the same things about my own blog lately. And started it with the same lack of expectations. But I'm glad I've found friends out here. I'm glad I've found you, someone whose truth speaks to me, beautifully.

woman.anonymous7 said...

I'm glad I found you both JW & MPJ, because before it was just me and my crazy thoughts in the middle of the night.

I read your're funny, smart, talented, courageous and afraid, willing and resistant, happy and sad, compassionate and angry, peaceful and not-so-peacful, clear headed and confused; and you share some of my thougths, feelings, experiences. And I see that maybe I'm not as completely fucked up as I feel.

Anonymous said...

J - You know that sharing the truth, sharing your pain, your triumphs, your life here helps. It may at times be an unwanted side effect, but I'd hate to think where I'd would be right now if you had not found me in blog land.

I thank you for the honesty, the nakedness, the open and sometimes painful truth of your life.