Sunday, September 30, 2007

Needle In A Haystack.

There was a needle in a flower bed today in my front yard. Yeah, that kind of needle. It didn't look old.

I brought it inside and asked how in the world something like that could have gotten in the front yard. He says that it must have been old.

I promptly went into the bathroom and had a giant meltdown. I cried, and I cried, and I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't collect myself.

And then, I did.

So there was a needle. I live with a heroin addict. Heroin addicts leave needles around.

Maybe it's brand new and just fell out of his pocket this morning. Maybe it's been buried in our front yard for months and it just got uncovered by the wind. Either way, I'm safe. My stuff is safe. He's going to meetings.

I could scream and cry and blow up at him, beg and beg that he tell me the truth. He will tell me that it's an old needle, no matter what the truth is.

I am ok, no matter what is happening with him. That's growth. I'm pleased with myself.

I don't ever, however, want to see a syringe again. They hurt my eyes. They touch me in that part of my heart that's irreparably broken. They hurt me like all reminders of trauma hurt...they hurt like watching the buildings fall down on September 11. They hurt me like stories of children being molested. I don't want to see them.


Heather said...

JW -

I'm so sorry.

Wayward Son said...

I tend to believe that when we push an experience away it only brings us more of the same. I also think that you would know if your husband was using whether or not you saw a needle in your flower bed. And like a stated a little earlier I think we find our truth where we find what we feel is beautiful. Clearly your husband is the source of much beauty for you. If you can, trust what you know to be true whether or not you see a needle. I guess that is what you are saying any way. I am just reinforcing that idea.

Stagnant Artist said...

wow........ first! I am so surprised by this post. I am so proud of you for not totally flipping out. Yeah, breakdown in the bathroom, but do you see your progress?! I totally do! You realize this. You see that he is doing the meetings and that he lies and you are not trying to change this. You are accepting. It sucks, plain and simple but your reaction to this is amazing. I don't blame you for not wanting to see the needles or being reminded of the past or possible futures. But you should be amazed at your growth and should be pleased with yourself. I send you lots of love and hugs!

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Hugs to you. [[[[[JW]]]]]

The other day my husband came home from work and his kiss smelled of cigarette smoke. And he doesn't smoke. Maybe it was something else, but I couldn't believe him, and I was done kissing him.

Recovery Discovery said...

"I am ok, no matter what is happening with him. That's growth. I'm pleased with myself...syringe(s) touch me in that part of my heart that's irreparably broken. They hurt me like all reminders of trauma hurt"

There you are, JW, being both strong and vulnerable at the same time. I'm really sorry you're going through this, friend. It sucks to have trauma reminders popping up at you unexpectedly, like your yard growing needles. For me, my partner being sick has become one of those buttons. Here we are, living through the same experiences yet again!!

thejunkyswife said...

Yeah. WS, I can't figure out if I'm scared by how much I don't feel like he's using or if I should just trust my gut. He doesn't seem high, ever. But I have learned that my guts are broken...what I think is wrong, usually isn't.

So it's better for me not to think about it. He could have had a weak moment and used one day, one time. He certainly doesn't have money to pick up a real habit. I don't have to know.

It kills me not to know, in ways, but I can't know. And it doesn't do me any good to obsess.


woman.anonymous7 said...

Thank you for sharing yourself in this way. It sacres me to hear about the realities of living with addicts, but it also gives me hope that the serenity and self-posession that seem to characterize you, that strength and vulnerability at the same time, are possible no matter what happens. I haven't had to face my husband giving in to his addictions at this point, but the thought if it really frightens me. Thank you for letting me watch you walk the path so that I can know somewhere inside me that I can do the same and not be completely consumed by anxiety and despair. I'm sure I'd feel them, but I see that I can come out on the other side and be okay.

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

Sorry JW- Just make sure you keep yourself safe.

Anonymous said...

Your guts are broken? Really, jw? tell me more plz.
i love u. u r growing so much.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. I am sorry I could use for months and months and not once ever seem that I was high.

I am happy that no matter what that you have your serenity. That the answer ultimately doesn't matter. What matters is your husband keeps hanging in there, going to meetings. You are growing amazingly. You can always look at this as another chance to grow personally.

No matter what the case may be, you know you're both in my prayers and heart.

Anonymous said...

"I am sorry I could use for months and months and not once ever seem that I was high. "

ej, that's just dellusional, my friend! seriously.

Stepbackjack said...

Dammit girl. I know what you mean though, about accepting. I had a night like this and I thought of MPJs post about lying and the kitten haircut. It sounds like you found what I found...his problem. It seems like you placed it in the right place, his bucket of shit. It doesn't hurt less just different. Damn guys. They really suck huh? I hope you don't hurt like the children or 9-11 people. I love you.

Recovering Wino said...

I'm sorry...I know how that hurts. I know that feeling.

isabella mori said...

thank you so much for this post. thanks for sharing. thanks for being there. i felt such a surge of strength in reading this post ... in you, and by extension, for all of us. thank you.

living hopefully, wishing and waiting.. said...

I can tell you that when you live with an addict,.. and they're good at hiding and protecting their addiction,.. it can be hard to see the day to day changes,.. especially when they look like they feel good, healthy, normal,.. not nodding out etc. My addict usually muscles it,.. which serves more to keep him from being sick than "getting high". There have been plenty of times I've seen my addict look worse when not using,.. than when he is. Its usually the other things that catch him up,.. like accidently leaving the clues around that he's using,.. (see the list of signs he's using that EJ posted) This is usually after its been awhile. Well,.. there's that,.. and the gut denial because you cant believe or more appropriately dont want to believe he's actually, using again. Its kinda like when you havent seen your friends kid in a while,.. and the next time you do,.. they've suddenly grown and changed so much you cant believe your eyes. You know your own kids are growing just as fast,.. but you dont see it on such a gradual basis,.. (well,.. at least not until you take them shoe shopping a discover they've grown another size and a half over the summer.. wow!) Anyway,.. sometimes it would take a friend to come over who hasnt seen him in awhile to point out how undeniabley high he is since last time they saw him. Thats when you're like... "really, you think so?" And your friend says "Uh,.. Hello.. McFly,.. what is it that's not obvious about this?" Thats when I start in with my CSI training,.. and it usually doesnt take much effort to gather the evidence thats been sitting there all along. Then comes the confrontation,.. denial and lies which lead to more lies, and more evidence which lead to dissapointment and fear, and anger, and resentments and distance, and all the other shitty shit feelings that we all know so well by now. Yep,.. they all still seems to hurt just as much as they always have. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this,.. chin up and keep doing what you're doing. As the Offspring would say,.. "Gotta keep em'seperated!" and I think you've done pretty damn good at keeping it seperated as much as possible thus far. Keep loving your man, and taking care of yourself.