Monday, October 8, 2007

Alone and Together.

We spent the weekend both being quite busy doing important things for ourselves and then pleasantly reuniting in the evenings for marital bliss. He spent the days helping his father with some work in an effort to pay back some money he'd borrowed, and I cleaned the house, cooked for the week, went to my step meeting and connected with friends.

It feels good, healthy, balanced...this growing separately and together. I think we've needed some time apart to be able to enjoy each other again. Because he's not been working and we've been broke, we've kind of been forced into spending way too much time together. It was good to find a little more balance this weekend.

We're on to steps 2 and 3 with the step study group, which means I'm spending all this time thinking of god things. I'd cultivated such a deep religious skepticism for so long...from about the eighth grade until I entered grad school, I thought of myself as an atheist.

When I went to grad school, though, something started thawing inside of me. I don't know if it was September 11th, if it was spending my time writing, if it was the distance from everyone I loved forcing me to face myself for the first time in many years, but a little bit of room opened up inside of me for spirituality.

I don't know what to call that little god-spark, or what to do with it, but I do know that it's essential to growing...opening myself up to the healing possibility of a higher power.

Or really, if I'm honest, I do know what to do with it. I know all the steps to take to make this part of my life more essential...I've just got to take them.

Strangely, while we were eating dinner last night, he wanted to talk about god stuff, too. He wanted to talk about how he was feeling disconnected from his god, and how he wanted very badly to feel connected again. He asked me what I thought about myself, my relationship with god. It was odd to me that he was beating around inside my mind in this way, as I'd not really spoken to him about all the god exploring I'd been doing lately. He said that he hoped that this is something we can do together, separately and together...like our meetings across the hall from one another.

6 comments:

ej. said...

It must have felt good to feel that connection with him again. Him mentioning something that has been on your mind. The connection partners share. Maybe it's a spiritual connection, or maybe it was just happenstance. I'd like to believe the first.

Wayward Son said...

This is such a warm and inspiring post. I have found my issue with God has been the separation between God and me that our Christian culture insists upon despite the belief that God comes from within. To me there is no separation so the issue of surrender has been a hard one to get my head around. If I can come to terms with this I will surrender gladly to the part of me that knows best instead of some entity separate from me who has plans and needs of its own. I believe that is what finding my faith will give me.

It is nice to hear that you and Mr. Junky are in alignment on a spiritual quest. It says to me that your connection is not JUST one of a codie and an addict or JUST one of physical attraction or JUST one of colliding needs or JUST one of like creative ambitions. It is says to me it is a comprehensive alignment of all that you are. What a nice moment for the two of you to be in.

WS

Polly Kahl said...

Love this post, and got such a sweet visual of you and your partner being, supporting, and growing together. I'll be back for more.

living hopefully, wishing and waiting.. said...

What an interesting topic. I've always had an issue with "religion". I was forced to go to church as a kid for a couple years I lived with my grandparents, and I friggin hated it. It felt fake to me. It bothered me how hypricital and closed minded and misguided these people were to live in such dogmatic belief system. These values do not jive with my senses. I have always believed that my connection with God does not involve anyone else or any "place" else and therefore I could trust the voice inside my heart rather than the word of a man. My dad recently came to visit,.. and brought me a book. It was called "Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue". He's not religious, so this threw me off at first, but he told me to trust him,.. "It's not what you think,.. its good". He said he read it and felt so damn good by the time he got to the middle, he didnt even need to finish it. Anyway, I just started reading it, but he was right,.. it wasnt what I thought, and FEELS right to me. Here's the encyclopedia link if anyone is interested in checking it out... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conversations_With_God

ScOuT said...

I'll email you instead. G-d stuff is too intimate for here.
For me anyway...
Love,
Scoutlet

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

The spiritual journey has been a huge part of the past four years for me. My husband and I are both began as skeptical, secular, atheist -- and while in many ways that hasn't changed, we are learning together to use the word God to describe our spirituality...

It's beautiful to hear about the two of you on this journey together.