We spent the weekend both being quite busy doing important things for ourselves and then pleasantly reuniting in the evenings for marital bliss. He spent the days helping his father with some work in an effort to pay back some money he'd borrowed, and I cleaned the house, cooked for the week, went to my step meeting and connected with friends.
It feels good, healthy, balanced...this growing separately and together. I think we've needed some time apart to be able to enjoy each other again. Because he's not been working and we've been broke, we've kind of been forced into spending way too much time together. It was good to find a little more balance this weekend.
We're on to steps 2 and 3 with the step study group, which means I'm spending all this time thinking of god things. I'd cultivated such a deep religious skepticism for so long...from about the eighth grade until I entered grad school, I thought of myself as an atheist.
When I went to grad school, though, something started thawing inside of me. I don't know if it was September 11th, if it was spending my time writing, if it was the distance from everyone I loved forcing me to face myself for the first time in many years, but a little bit of room opened up inside of me for spirituality.
I don't know what to call that little god-spark, or what to do with it, but I do know that it's essential to growing...opening myself up to the healing possibility of a higher power.
Or really, if I'm honest, I do know what to do with it. I know all the steps to take to make this part of my life more essential...I've just got to take them.
Strangely, while we were eating dinner last night, he wanted to talk about god stuff, too. He wanted to talk about how he was feeling disconnected from his god, and how he wanted very badly to feel connected again. He asked me what I thought about myself, my relationship with god. It was odd to me that he was beating around inside my mind in this way, as I'd not really spoken to him about all the god exploring I'd been doing lately. He said that he hoped that this is something we can do together, separately and together...like our meetings across the hall from one another.