Monday, September 17, 2007

Nodding Off Pisses Me Off.

I couldn't sleep, so I took one of your sleeping pills.

In the middle of the day?

Yeah. My head hurts, and I think I'm getting a migraine, and I don't feel right.

So you took my sleeping medication? In the middle of the day?

He started nodding off on the way to the meeting. Nothing, and let me emphasize NOTHING, in this world makes me feel more crazy than my nodding junky husband. It reminds me of all the time he spent nodding off on heroin, and it makes me absolutely hysterical. Panicked. Nervous, Anxious. Nauseous. It's a bad scene.

We spent some time this weekend with his family. His mother is an addict in recovery as well. She's been doing quite well, and she's gotten some real clean time for the first time in many, many years. But, it's still early in her recovery, and while we were at their house, she started nodding out. She's taken "two muscle relaxers," whatever that means. She has some chronic pain issues, and it's a struggle for her to negotiate the area between her addiction and her chronic pain. She's doing well...she's got a sponsor and she's working the steps...but I think what we were seeing this weekend was a little relapse. I don't know if that's what she'd call it, but that's what it looked like to me.

It made my husband furious. He kept pointing to her, "Just look at her! She can't even keep her eyes open!"

I thought it was strange how he was reacting. I just looked at her, struggling to keep her eyes open, and thought, "Yep. She can't keep her eyes open." She used to look like that a lot, and this is the first time I've seen her look like that in a long time. To me, that's progress. Not perfection, but progress. Addicts relapse. She's an addict. Tada.

And then, today, he's nodding off. It's as if he had to get a taste of what his mother was experiencing. I don't know why he was taking my sleeping medication in the middle of the day. This is not narcotic makes you go to sleep. That's it. It's not fun. I don't get it.

My sleeping medication is now locked away in my lock box. It's mine. I need it when I need it. It's not his, and it's certainly not his for 4:00 in the afternoon.

The meeting was a large one, and he wanted to go home. I was sort of pissed that we'd driven all the way there to drive all the way back home. Even though it's close, it's still gas that I don't have to spend...but it's his meeting, not mine, and I was eager to get home after work, anyway.

So part of me is frantic. "Oh my god," my crazy head is saying, "he's using again! He wanted to go to a meeting because he's gotten some heroin!" or "Oh my god, he's abusing my sleeping pills! He wanted to go to a meeting because he'd gotten into my sleeping medication, and he realized that it was the dumbest thing anyone ever did, ever!"

But that's a small part. That part of me, as a matter of fact, is getting left here, on the blog, for you all. The rest of me is content. My pills are locked away now, so he won't be getting into them anymore. My stuff is safe. I'm safe. I've got some work to do, and I'm about to get started on it. I took a long walk with my doggy, talked to a god-like person, place, or thing, cried a little while asking for some guidance and strength and peace, ate a nice dinner, and had a nice bath.

He's lying on the bed, groaning with an ice pack on his head, nursing a headache or heartache or existential crisis or closing his eyes and enjoying a filthy, guilty heroin daze or something. That's awful for him. I'm sorry he's suffering. I'm glad that he wanted to go to a meeting, even if he didn't make it in, and I'm glad that he's going to his home group meeting tomorrow. I'm glad he's got the tools he needs, and I'm glad that he's doing the best he can, even though it's hard for him.


Anonymous said...

Well, I read this and think to myself, very emotionally and with deep respect, because what I read here is amazing growth. Or progress, or call it what you will. But isn't that you're ultimate goal, to love your husband, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, while not letting his illness completely take over your life, so you can still feel happy with where not only are you happy with where you are in life, but understanding with compassion of where the man you love is in his. You simply amaze me. Hold on to whatever you have grasped, because you are touching the spiritual bridge between dealing with life and living life. If you can keep looking at life through this perception, I honestly think you found the key.

Wayward Son said...

More than progress, I think it is success. It's like... look at JW, she's navigating life and all it's multitudinous (my new favorite word) ups and downs on her own terms and she's not giving up anything. Nada. Good going.

Recovery Discovery said...

Nodding off makes me crazy too. Boy you're sounding awfully damned healthy tonight!

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Check you out -- staying all sane. I get crazy when my husband nods off too, but I still cannot figure out why.

Recovering Wino said...

Nodding off makes me mad, too...and my husband never even did heroin but sure as hell nods off a lot. I feel for you, though...I imagine trying to handle your fears must drive you crazy sometimes.

Anonymous said...

He is doing his best even if it's not someone else's idea of best.
And it's so, so, so fucking hard, J!
I know you know that and I know you get it more than most non-addicts do.
He's blessed to have you. For what it's worth, I think he's doing well -- making awesome progress. Just one junky's opinion.
You sound well. Go grl -- work those steps!

Stagnant Artist said...

I am glad that you can pull yourself away from the situation and look at it instead of getting all bat shit crazy and reacting. It's so easy to react. I am glad you saw it in his mom and said, well yeah, that is that. And that you saw the potential in G and that yeah, bad move, but he did put forth an effort. It's something. And it's healthy. good for you

Addicted 2 my addict said...

i would think a reovering drud addict should not be taking sleeping pills... if F took a sleeping pill i would be very upset and i would consider it a relapse of some sort. there is no need to take one esp at 4:00 in the afternoon. Keep em locked away !

sKILLz said...

Dam you have a "lock box"? Im sorry hunny but thats fucking nuts! I NEVER have to hide anything from my wife no matter what it is, drugs, money, cell phone, jewlery, ANYTHING!
Yo girl thats not cool at all.
Whats this shit taking sleeping pills at 4pm? Are you sure he took a pill and didnt get high?
I really fell for you, you put up with alot of shit.
you know if my wife was doing this i would stand by her just the same, so I understand and Im here for you!

Mantramine said...

Right now, I think that if I saw mine on the nod- I'd fuckin kick his teeth out the back of his head- but, you see, I am already back to relishing that he is such a good addict and would NEVER do that! That, and I had a dream last night that I found a burnt spoon his pants pocket! And had to admit that he was shooting it and spending ALL our money the whole fucking time. It was a bad dream and I woke up thinking I had to move out. Then I realized, thank god, that didn't happen. Dreams are weird.

Wiz S.

laurie said...

For what it's worth (and never having been there), I think you handled this EXACTLY right.