Friday, September 28, 2007

Softer.

"Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weakness."
-Ann Landers

"Just tell me what you need, and I'll try to give it," he told me. We were in bed, and I was crying in this quiet, desperate way that has become my evening standard.

"I'm doing everything I can. I don't understand."

And it's true. He's doing really, really well...going to meetings, working hard on himself, growing and changing. I'm also working hard on myself, and growing and changing...I'm just having a lot of growing pains.

I don't know how to explain my continuing discontent to him. I'm not even sure how I can explain it to myself.

I want to be happy. I want some peace and serenity in my life. I want it, actually, now, and not later. I'm spent by this slow, slow process.

And although he's doing well, he's still kind of insane. Last night, he was really excited about his meeting, about seeing a friend who came over, about the prospect of my pay day coming and those Oreo Cookie Pizzas we've been seeing on television. He was energetic and talkative, and it drove me crazy. I don't know how to explain that to him. I don't know how to explain that to me.

I told him I just need things to be softer for a little while. I'm not sure how to employ that term, specifically...but it's what I want. I want more quiet, more ease, more peace, more time to figure out what's next.


4 comments:

serenitynowdammit said...

I read this post and wondered how you could nail my exact feelings on my way home today with my addict. Growing pains. That's it! You're not really annoyed with them, they're doing what they're supposed to, but you need breathing space and comfort and assurance and for them to just shut up and leave you alone for fifteen minutes so you can cry and process and accept what is going on in your head and in your life. Accepting the slowness of the process is a difficult thing on growing pain days.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I get like that too.

I don't know if this is true for you, but my growth seems to come in leaps, followed by long frustrating depressing stagnant periods. I get all weepy and pissed off that other people aren't completely fixing my problems and themselves yesterday already. And I want time and space and quiet to figure it out -- and I never seem to have enough of it.

Anam_Kihaku said...

is he bi-polar ? it sounds like he lulls and then manics ? i dont know about addicts ro recoveriung addicts just about bi-polar and those insane manicness when you want gentleness. it is hard. *hugs*

K said...

The irony is, in that moment when he so desperately wants to make things better for you and it just doesn't seem to be enough:

"I'm doing everything I can. I don't understand."

it's almost as though you've stepped into each other's shoes.

If he could just realize that that's exactly how YOU've felt by providing him food, shelter, comfort, and love...all to no avail when his urge to get high came rolling in.

But he also needs to realize that you aren't handling these feelings by getting laid by someone else, or ingesting/injecting substances that will ultimately be more harmful to you and your relationship.

(WHY CAN'T THEY SEE THAT?!!)

On the flip side, wouldn't it be awful to feel like you do (such as your discontent with him at the moment--and, trust me, it IS with HIM...broken trust is unbelievably hard to reconcile) about every aspect of your life? That's the only reason I can come up with as to why my addict still does the assinine things he does.


And therein lies the catch-22, what could be theoretically your "temporary" discontent (which is completely justifiable, in my opinion) is unfortunately, to him, just another thing to add to his already stock-piled arsenal of "reasons to get wasted".

Deep down I think you suspect this and are afraid he might act upon it. Addicts are nothing if not selfish. (Well, there's always STUPID, too.) Which, of course, just continues the discontent. Crap.

On another note: Thank you, from the bottom of my (little black) heart, for all your writings...you really can't imagine how much you've helped me to cope with the lunacy/heartbreak/disgust of loving an addict. For that, I'll be forever grateful.