Thursday, September 13, 2007

Burned Out.

I'm really, really tired lately. "Tired" isn't the right word. I'm somehow spiritually worn down, emotionally drained. I feel guilty that I'm not happier. He's on the right track. I'm on the right track. We're both doing what we should be doing, for now.

I just can't shake that urge to include the footnote, though...the "for now." I can't stop expecting the other shoe to fall. I'm not enjoying the good times we're having.

I just wish everything were better. Tomorrow's pay day, which always makes the world look a little brighter...but I'm even wary of that. I'll get my check, pay the bills, and then be broke for two more weeks.

I wish he'd stuck with methadone, really. If he'd stuck with the clinic, which he did for about a week before deciding he wanted to go cold turkey, I know he'd be working. He'd have been able to keep his shit together to keep the exciting job he fucked up, and we'd be doing really well financially. We'd be fixing up our home. He'd feel better about himself. Everything wouldn't be so dire.

But maybe this will be for the best, in the long run. Methadone might have made it too easy for him, and it might have made it easy to think, "Oh, I can do it once, one more time. I can pick it up and put it down." The madness that has ensued for the last 7 months of our lives has been memorable, if nothing else, and it's made him realize that he's got to have help to do this right. That's something to be grateful for.

And look at me, thinking about him and what's going on in his head. I really don't want to face my own head lately.


longvowels said...

You're burned out because his acting right has given you room to exhale and take inventory of what's really been going on.

This probably the hardest part. To be in constant emergency mode atleast keeps the adrenaline flowing.
Once it stops though, you can't help but notice your missing limbs.

laurie said...

Of course you're burned out. You have been through so goddamned much. Did you ever have the experience in school of getting sick, immediately after exams, when you could finally relax?
And I'd feel burned out, too if I came home to a huge mess and no food and no money to buy more. Or if my partner pulled the stunt he did when he was supposed to meet you.
You two really have come a long way and it will continue to get better but you certainly deserve a break.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Oh, JW! He need to go back to using so you can feel good again! ;)

I'm going to go click on your ads.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Oh, crap. Except that you have ads that are supposed to appeal to sex addicts -- what's up with that?

ej. said...

I am curious what you think the MMT program provides me that is better than what your husband has which is complete sobriety? Are you suggesting that MMT somehow makes me sane, or that it provides with with motivation? I really wish I had gone your husbands route. MMT doesn't do anything for me other than make me not crave heroin and not be sick, other than that I am left with everything your husband has plus the added bonus of detoxing off Methadone over the next 6 to 8 months, yay! I don't mean to sound sarcastic, it's my own disgust at being on MMT rather than being in your husband's position. Trust me, he's much better off.

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

Oldies but goodies-

Sha na na na, sha na na na na,
Sha na na na, sha na na na na,
Sha na na na, sha na na na na,
Sha na na na, sha na na na na,
Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip
Mum mum mum mum mum mum
Get a job Sha na na na, sha na na na na

A job is one of the greatest recovery tools and a little financial reciprocity from him would be rejuvenating I'm sure.

I know I'm carping again, but a real job is a bellwether of recovery.

Wayward Son said...

I know the "I wishes" and "but maybes" well. Only they never seem to happen in the same moment I am happening in. What's that about? Quit holding your breath and breath. Maybe I will do the same.

Pop'n'Fresh said...

DON'T BLOCK ME--I'M NOT AN ENEMY! I'm not trying to be mean and I know you're super-sensitive about your relationship, but consider this. Perhaps your unhappiness, even though your man appears to be doing right is due to the fact that you sense he's doing "wrong" in some other way. This inability to reach him via phone and his inability to keep in touch w/ you would signal to a lot of non-addict couples CHEATING...maybe not even sexual but maybe spending time with someone else. Did you ever consider he's exchanging one instant grat. for another? You realize the selfishness of addiction, do you think that selfishness doesn't carry through to other areas?

Madness (JAA) said...

Agreed with Ej. You both are better off this way.
Sorry, but it's a process, babe, a process.

serenitynowdammit said...

I'm sorry you're struggling so much with the mental exhaustion. It sucks. It's temporary. We both need to keep that in mind. It'll pass and we'll be our happy go-lucky selves again, no matter what goes on with them. We just need to hang in there during the rough spots!!

Mantramine said...

The MMT has been interesting for me. It seems to allow him to find some feeling of normal so that he can begin to live and fix his life (work and rub my feet). But, then, will he?

This too shall pass.