One day, there won't be so much chaos.
We were having such a good night last night. He'd made a little money helping a neighbor with some landscaping, which he gave to me to help with bills. We went to our meeting, and on the way home, he was all abustle with plans and hope, and I was proud of him for making such progress, and proud of me for making such progress, and so content to be where I was, with who I was with. We'd planned to do a little work that we both needed to do...I had some work-writing to do and he wanted to clean the house. We got started, and the the Stray started calling. He was drunk. He left crazy, nasty, threatening messages again. I haven't had the number changed because I thought he was going to leave us alone. Apparently, I was wrong.
And even though I didn't talk to him, I am so easily pushed over the edge lately. I want some goddamned peace. If the world would leaves us alone, we could work out anything together.
And now, because the Stray is calling and threatening and acting crazy, I'm edgy, and he's edgy, and so we fought this morning for the first time in a long time. We both responded badly to each other. And I'm overwrought, so I melted down, couldn't soothe myself or be soothed for a while. And then I feel guilty for being weak, for being dissatisfied even though he's doing everything I want, being just the man I hoped he'd be, really working hard on his issues, and doing it in this sincere, personal way that isn't motivated by my machinations to get him to act "right."
And I feel guilty because he's so tender, so sweet, such a pleasure to be with lately, and I can't appreciate it.
Someone needs to put a brick through the brains of the Stray. Is that a wrong thing to wish? I don't want to be the bearer of said brick, but I don't want him in my life anymore. I really want him to remember that whatever my man did to piss him off was MY MAN, not me. I'd like to be let off the hook for all of his fuck ups. I haven't endorsed any of his fuck ups. I've fought them tooth and nail. I wasn't involved in their inception, and I don't want to be involved in cleaning them up. I've gotten pretty good at staying out of his shit, but it's hard when people keep slinging it at my face.