Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Weight.

I waited for a long time to buy a home, and I was so excited to be able to buy my own, finally. It's a beautiful house, too, with a beautiful yard. I felt ready to put down roots somewhere, to commit to a life that I felt like I could really embrace.

For the first time, I was comfortable being who I was. I was in love. I had a great job. Our lives intersected with our careers and our interests and our goals. I wanted a baby, a house, the dog...the whole fucking thing. I was being completely honest with myself about what I wanted and what I needed and who I was going to be. I was taking risks, making choices...blah.

Blah.

Blah.

It all feels like such waste, now, and just another weight to carry. I had these plans and goals, hopes and dreams.

MPJ was writing about wedding vows. I have some experience with wedding vows, with that sweet hope on your lips while you utter them, and that heavy, heavy feeling as they fall down around you. I wrote my first wedding vows, and I meant them...I meant the second set, a state standard repeated after a magistrate behind bulletproof glass, more. I meant the look in my eye and the look in his eye looking back at me. I know he meant it, too.

But I didn't mean it to be like this. I didn't ever think a day would come when I wouldn't want to see him, to see our home, to participate in his life. In order to protect myself, I'm so boundaried up that I don't know if I can see over them.

I can't remember what I'm doing this for, I guess. I can't remember where we started or where we're going. I know I love him...but it's no longer that tremulous, wild feeling. It's a weight, and my shoulders are heavy.

And then, haunting me, is this comment on an old post:
i have been lurking here for quite some time, as you didn't turn your feed off when you made you blog private... i too not only was in desperate immortal love with a junkie, but was one myself, different drug,, same choices...

i left the love of my life, and continued my drug habit till i got to a place where i had to stop or die... that was nearly 15 years ago...my david wasn't so lucky... he died with the needle still in his arm january 17, 2004....

i will never forgive myself for leaving him... i miss him with a vengeance every single day..and that was all long ago and far away...

you will never love anyone the way you love that man, and he will never love anyone the way he loves you.. you have a bond that even death cannot break... so for you my girl... forever means forever....
And I do want forever to mean FOREVER, tombstone cold forever, baby stroller forever, old folks hand-holding forever, corpses rottening into one another forever, forever-ever. I don't know if I can keep this up, though. I don't know.

14 comments:

Mantramine said...

The good news is; when your ready to go, you will go- and not a god damn second sooner.

That's what my dad "D" told me. They key word is 'ready.'So, until you feel ready beyond a shadow of a doubt- don't beat yourself up for this answer JW. I know this is part of the process- but be gentle. When it's truly time, if ever, you will see things sooooo clearly.

Also, you will not live the rest of your days amongst this turmoil- I cyber know you enough to believe that. You guys will either work it out, or not. It wont stay like this.

"Reveal yourself" then breathe


WS....

Stagnant Artist said...

go to a meeting. call your sponsor. go find someone that has been there and can help you face to face. we all love you way too much to see you being hurt like this. I love what that person wrote to you. it is tragic. you love G. it shows. save yourself to save him

Stepbackjack said...

I took my vows seriously, as hard as you took them. It was branded on my soul and still is. Why do we have to feel things so passionately? Why does forever mean forever? It must be because if you want to feel something so strong you also have to feel something so bad, like the flip side of the coin. And oh hell yeah I have hated him as much as I have loved him. Go to a meeting and do yoga. Do anything that gets "it" out. Please let us know what we can do. The pain must be worth the reward. =)

Married to My Ex

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I said it already in my post, babe. The weight of eternity is too much to carry. Take love, marriage, recovery one day at a time.

elf_fu said...

There is only so much one human can take.

Some times they realize this in time, some times not.

There are no words and no advice that I can give you. Just eyes on a page that reads. You will do for you what you must. I am just glad to become a small part of it.

CindyB1 said...

Have you ever wondered if his actions are a way to prove himself right? In his eyes he has no self worth and by pushing you away and making you leave him will reinforce this Idea he has of himself. I agree with the artist, save yourself to save him.

Hugs.

Chloe said...

Not advice, just my own experience...I had to leave to save myself and secondly to save him. Yes, I left MY home & that pissed me off to no end. After about 30 days of no more me in his life, and utilities being shut off etc, he finally decided to check himself into rehab. I am now a stronger person through all of this and so is he. It was just something we had to go through apart to be able to be together again.

Jenn said...

Hang in there Lady, you are such an inspiration to me. Sometimes I get discouraged with my life, and my marriage, but I always think to myself, "The Junkys Wife would stick through this!!" and it helps me to grow and to be the person that the world needs me to be. Remember, my prayers are with you.

longvowels said...

I agree with Stagnant Artist. If you are hurting and a mess you can't help him. You have to honor you.

Madness (JAA) said...

Ya, I remember that comment -- wow, do I remember that comment. It really stuck with me, too, for quite some time.
Continue to work on your own recovery, my sweet girl, and you will get the answers you need so badly. And everything else that MPJ said....

Love to you,
Scout

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

Consider it just the opinion from a crusty old alky who has limited knowledge of the situation, my apologies if it is offensive- but these are my thoughts on the subject.

The only thing I get from that old post is the sad fact that this lady has yet to experience true love and because she has now closed herself off, she probably never will. You can delude yourself all you want, but you will never be the true love of an addict until they are in a healthy recovery.

Her David died with a needle in his arm because that was what was most important to him in his life, not her. If she had stayed, her suffering would have been no less and most likely been so much worse. Being that she regards life with an addict as the ultimate love affair, I wonder why she ever left.

I am not saying that it is impossible to love an addict, but I am saying that when it comes down to brass balls, their love for you comes with certain reservations... and most codependents refuse to force the issue because they can't face this awful truth.

If he loves you more than anything else in the world, then make him prove it. Getting a job NOW, and go to meetings NOW would be a great way to prove this.

A one hour meeting and pushing a broom for eight hours a day... that's not a so much of a sacrifice to prove your love to someone is it? After all, you have worked full time to house and feed him while he has "talked" about work. What little money he made or scammed he selfishly hid from you.

You go to meetings, not because you have no other choice, but because you love him.

I wonder if he will do the same?

The only advice I dare to give is: You may not be able to cure him, but you can damn sure make him prove that he is worth the effort of supporting him any longer.

In the end the one who has to decide is him, not you.

Wayward Son said...

Maybe the person's experience is exactly the same as yours and maybe not. Just make sure that the way YOU feel and the way YOU think is what influences YOUR choices most.

And yes, breath... then move forward the best you can. Nothing stays one way forever.

WS

thejunkyswife said...

That's what's so frustrating for me, TDA...that he's in control of everything, and whatever decisions he makes are going to affect my life, for better or worse.

Chris said...

I too had to go to save myself, and he a few months later went to rehab. I remain on the pink handcuffs (methadone) and he is still a street junkie,or so I hear. I am now slowly detoxing, off of methadone. If not for it I would still be doing what he is doing. I left got cleaned up and in the process never stopped loving him. I still love him, and hurt for him that he was not strong enough to see the truth,or just did not want to see it. I remarried a man that does not do drugs, or drink or smoke. From one extreme to the other, but I am happier than *I have ever been. I can look in the mirror and say i listened to that quite voice of reason and did something about it. I just could not stand idly by and watch him kill himself slowly. My now husband knows all this, and we have been together 15 good years. After i FINISH detoxing I will be truly thru with the past, his past,that i MADE myself a part of. You will know when it is time to go and not to analize it anymore Jw. Your heart and head will tell you, not just one or the other, they will jell like one and you will know, hands down no more questioning it. I know if I had not left I would still be nothing and have nothing. Now I have a gift from God, my straight beautiful man,that no matter what, puts me first,as it should be. I was due. I hope with all my heart you will soon know what you are going to do also. I worry about you alot.....