For the first time, I was comfortable being who I was. I was in love. I had a great job. Our lives intersected with our careers and our interests and our goals. I wanted a baby, a house, the dog...the whole fucking thing. I was being completely honest with myself about what I wanted and what I needed and who I was going to be. I was taking risks, making choices...blah.
It all feels like such waste, now, and just another weight to carry. I had these plans and goals, hopes and dreams.
MPJ was writing about wedding vows. I have some experience with wedding vows, with that sweet hope on your lips while you utter them, and that heavy, heavy feeling as they fall down around you. I wrote my first wedding vows, and I meant them...I meant the second set, a state standard repeated after a magistrate behind bulletproof glass, more. I meant the look in my eye and the look in his eye looking back at me. I know he meant it, too.
But I didn't mean it to be like this. I didn't ever think a day would come when I wouldn't want to see him, to see our home, to participate in his life. In order to protect myself, I'm so boundaried up that I don't know if I can see over them.
I can't remember what I'm doing this for, I guess. I can't remember where we started or where we're going. I know I love him...but it's no longer that tremulous, wild feeling. It's a weight, and my shoulders are heavy.
And then, haunting me, is this comment on an old post:
i have been lurking here for quite some time, as you didn't turn your feed off when you made you blog private... i too not only was in desperate immortal love with a junkie, but was one myself, different drug,, same choices...And I do want forever to mean FOREVER, tombstone cold forever, baby stroller forever, old folks hand-holding forever, corpses rottening into one another forever, forever-ever. I don't know if I can keep this up, though. I don't know.
i left the love of my life, and continued my drug habit till i got to a place where i had to stop or die... that was nearly 15 years ago...my david wasn't so lucky... he died with the needle still in his arm january 17, 2004....
i will never forgive myself for leaving him... i miss him with a vengeance every single day..and that was all long ago and far away...
you will never love anyone the way you love that man, and he will never love anyone the way he loves you.. you have a bond that even death cannot break... so for you my girl... forever means forever....