Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Maybe The Sun Will Shine Today.

So maybe all my recent quiet agonizing is going to be worth something?

I say "quiet" agonizing because, while I've been writing about it a lot, I haven't had much to say about it at home. I've found that we get along a lot better when I'm not reciting the litany of his offenses against me or recounting every single change in feelings I've had in my tropical rainforest of a brain. Sometimes, I think this approach is hurting me...I'm stuffing things that I need to get out. Other times, I think it's working. I gave up on the need to tell him all the ways he has hurt/was hurting me when I realized that he already knows, that he's already suffering and paying in his own way. I recognized that what I was doing was expressing a need to be heard by him, and once I recognized that he'd heard me and that he knew, it was ok for me to let it go.

But I'm still agonizing, still hurting.

Last night, I got home from a long day of avoiding home, and he'd cleaned the house, and he told me he wanted to talk. He said he wanted me to tell him everything.


I want to know everything, every bit of what you've been holding back. I'm ready to change. I need to know all of it.

I couldn't muster up the anger to tell what he wanted...I think he wanted me to tear into him, to rip his ass a new one or whatever. I could have done it a month ago, but now I can't. Instead, I told him that I want him to go to meetings, more than anything...that I need to feel like there is someone or something outside of me that's interested in him getting better. That I want him to have a sponsor and a philosophy and a way of life that will help him grow and change and be the kind of man that he wants to be.

He said he would, that he knows he needs to. We've got a date for Saturday. That will be the first meeting, and he said no matter what that he'll go, no matter what kind of excuses he comes up with, what kind of mess he looks like, what kind of plans he can make instead, that he'll for sure, no matter what and no matter how much he doesn't want to, go to that meeting. He thinks he'd rather go to AA regularly than NA, so he asked me to help him find some AA meetings near the house.

I don't know if he was sensing my frustration and he's looking for a way to make me happier or if he's really feeling pushed to a wall of his own, but either way, I'm getting what I need.

I'd thought that if I just kept my own life and stuff and feeling safe from him, that it really wouldn't matter what he did...but it does matter what he does. I think that setting healthy boundaries and being reasonable with myself and my expectations has made it actually clearer for me, however, to see what I need from him...and I need him to do something active to help himself. I know I can't fix him, but I also can't bear to watch him slowly unravelling.

I have seen from my own growth with Nar-Anon that the whole 12 step business works, and I'm not even that deep in it yet. I hope that he's in a place where he can let it work for him, and I really believe that we can grow a lot together...working the steps together could be a way to start moving in the same direction...


Wayward Son said...

It sounds like leading instead of pushing is far more effective. I mean you did not demand he go to meetings. You merely answered his question about what you wanted. Asked and answered. This is really kind of amazing to observe from afar.

Did you breath? Is that why this is happening?

serenitynowdammit said...

And every once in a while, there's a flash of light, and you can see glimpses of what hope looks and feels like. Keep working your program . . . remember, baby steps! He may only go to one meeting and not go to another for six months, but he's moving forward. Watch those expectations.

Two Bit Palooka said...

reminds me of me, this chap. used to love setting up a good argument, then it's I'll show you, you'll be sorry when I am strung out and homeless again. ha, worked every time. good junky victim logic. being sarcastic. but serious.
try this song, thank you for talking to me africa, sly and the family stone, there's a riot going on.
thank you fur letting me be mice elf... again

Stepbackjack said...

It's positive. I have read, and read, and read that sometimes when we (codies) fix ourselves sometimes the addicts will. Like we were really making them worse (hard to believe it, I mean I was trying to help him, ha) and when we stop making them worse and make ourselves better they have the light go on. Sometimes not, but sometimes so? Sounds like the case here. I hope you have a wonderful date, shitty appearance or not.

Married to My Ex

kristi said...

Atleast you are going to the meetings and you realize he needs to do the same. My brother got out of jail and was doing well, for about a week. Now he has decided he is too busy to go to a meeting. I feel he may revert back to his old ways. I am scared for him.