Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Hostage.

Sometimes, I really feel like I'm caught between that old rock and whirlpool.

If I say, "No," I hurt him. He knows that I have to say no sometimes, but the fact is, if I don't help him, he has nothing and no one. And I love him. I don't want him to have nothing.


I don't want to do this anymore. I don't like fighting, and I don't like hurting, and I don't like seeing him hurt.

8 comments:

clyde said...

but you are missing the entire concept of tough love. there is nothing categorically wrong with refusing something to someone - the refusal can co-exist with love. it is the underlying reason for the refusal that needs to be examined. self-interest based upon historical precedent is valid - arbitrariness is not.

yeah, general response to a general post. useless, i know. just felt like typing something.

Jenn said...

Hey,
Do what feels right. not just for the moment, but for you, all the time. If things are improving, then show him by rewarding him, and give him something he wants. only if it feels right. remember, this is your life, and you should do what feels right for you.

just another addict said...

There are lots of times I don't feel like "doing this anymore" either, my sweet girl. But then I realize that the "this" I am referring to is LIFE (on life's terms, too.)Your "this" is, in part, LOVE. And I know you want to keep doing that....
There is a saying in NA that goes like this (you may already know it)-- "Please, don't love me to death. Love me to life instead."
It's about good, healthy boundaries -- boundaries set out of love. We NEED them.
Peace in the struggle, girl,
Scout
He doesn't have nothing and no one. He has you even when you say no.

Wayward Son said...

He does not have "nothing". He has a great deal because he has himself. And that's a good thing to learn if he isn't quite sure of that yet. After he comes to know that he will also know on a much deeper level and with more certainty that he has you.

I was beginning to think I had lost my touch for platitudes!

Addicted 2 my addict said...

I HEAR YA.. BUT U GATTA KEEP SAYING NO TO SOME THINGS.. THATS THE ADVICE I GET FROM OTHER PEOPLE ANYWAY.. AND I KNOW THATS WHAT YOU GATTA DO.. IT HURTS ME ALOT TO TELL HIM NO AND TO SEE HIM SAD ABOUT IT.. BUT THEN I SILENTLY THINK ABOUT WHY I AM SAYING NO AND I USUALLY FEEL BETTER.. LIKE YEST. HE ASKED FOR $20.00 TO GO TO PAROLE.. AND I SAID NO.. A. IM NOT GIVING HIM CASH AND B.IF YOU FOUND WAYS TO GET AROUND AND TO BUY THE DRUGS THEN YOU CAN FIND MONEY TO GET THERE AND THATS WAY MORE IMPORTANT. SO I JUST REMIND MYSELF OF THESE THINGS AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SO BAD.

Mantramine said...

Fuck n' fuck eh? Maybe you should just play with your wizard sleeves for a while... just, not over the stove, k?

Scout is my new mantra.

Ej. said...

I don't know, but when did this start becoming about him and not you? Saying no isn't about hurting him, it's about helping you to stay strong, independent, holding firm to our boundaries. It's funny, my counselor said today that one characteristic of a codie is they constantly rearrange their own boundaries to fit the needs of others. This would be a step back for you.

Also, I used my pain as a for of manipulation all the time, it's part of being an addict. And it's a very powerful tool. That's what we do to get what we want. Until he is in recovery, his behavior isn't going to change.

Recovering Wino said...

I think you do need to think of the concept of what love is....and sometimes it means pain in order for them to understand the depths of true unselfish love.