Sunday, July 22, 2007

Patience.

I've realized something new, something that I need from my husband.

Patience.

"Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like shifting your
gears."

-Barbara Johnson


I finally got him on the phone last night, and he was Mad. MAD! He was angry because of my need to talk to him and his inability to fulfill that need and finally my hurt. I might have been needy, or crazy, or hurt, or upset, or all kinds of things that I should or should not have been. I did not say anything hurtful to him, though, but he was hurt because he recognized another place where he'd let me down. Instead of being sorry for that, he was angry.
"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by
hatching the egg, not by smashing it."
-Arnold Glasgow

When I get home tonight, I'm going to talk to him about patience. I have realized that he's not ready or able or whatever it is that one must be to make amends to me for the hurt that he's caused. He thinks that when he's working, when he's built himself back up, that then he'll be able to work with me on healing the wounds that he caused when he was in active addiction. And as much as I want this fixed now (NOW damn it), I need to be patient with him. It's hard, but it's something I can give. I've been giving it, actually, but I can give more.
"Patience is passion tamed."
-Lyman Abbott

And I need for him to be patient with me as well. If I'm hurt because of something that he's done, even if it is an innocent thing he's done that wasn't meant to hurt me, I need him not to interpret it as an attack. I need him to have patience with my hurt, to have faith that it's real pain and empty of malice, and that it will be better one day when he's able to own his part in it and try to make it right. I really think that if, instead of feeling attacked and getting so angry, he could say, "I'm sorry you're hurt. I love you. One day, this will be better," that we'd avoid so much of the strife that's breaking both of us down right now.
"Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold. If you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you. In like manner, you must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will be powerless to vex your mind."
-Leonardo da Vinci
I need it. He needs it. It seems very easy.

4 comments:

longvowels said...

Even when you tell him this it doesn't mean he'll really understand. but you still need to say it.
over the last couple of months alot of the upset in your life has been over him, so he connects it as you are mad and it's his fault.

Wayward Son said...

Is that like deferred gratification?

THE KING'S SHEPHERDS... said...

I think it is neat that although you need patience from your husband, you also see yourself and realize he needs patience from you.
It is amazing that something that seems so simple can be so hard.

Chloe said...

Patience...
You are trying mine..
No new posts? Come on!!
J/K