Sunday, July 22, 2007

Fucking Wedding.

I feel heartbroken.

We had these syringes for no good reason. It's hard to explain, but they are junky syringes that have nothing to do with being a junky. Those are the syringes that I used to find all over my house. I bought this rubber chicken because he's amazing. We stuck dirty needles in him. It's funny to me. Especially the one in the chicken's eyeball.

The wedding was beautiful. Beautiful. As soon as it was over, I had to call my man. I wanted to tell him about the poem. I wanted to tell him about the wedding. The officiant said, "Perfect love makes sacrifice a joy." I cried and cried, all through the wedding, for all kinds of reasons. I'm so happy for my beautiful, wonderful friend, for having such a beautiful wedding. I'm so sad for my own beautiful, wonderful wedding that I had with the Ex. I'm sad for my own marriage, my present marriage, for its flaws and beauty and hurt. I'm sad for the way that when Kathryn and her new husband spoke about trust in their vows, it made me feel like I'd been stabbed in the heart.

There are these parts of a marriage, according to her officiant. He mentioned love, passion, and trust. We have this abundance of love and passion. We don't have so much of trust.

It made me think that maybe all the overflow of love and passion make up for the missing piece of trust. But I don't know.

And then, I just wanted 5 goddamn minutes on the phone to tell him about the poem I read, the thing about sacrifice that the officiant said, and to tell him about how in all that sweetness, all I wanted was him, next to me. I wanted to share it with him. I couldn't get him on the phone. I needed 5 minutes, 5 goddamn minutes, and he couldn't give it to me.

I try to remember, as I've been instructed to remember, in 5 years, will I care about the 5 goddamn minutes? I probably will not care about the 5 goddamn minutes. But right now, the 5 minutes would have meant so much to me.

The best thing I have to give him is the way I can express things. When I'm feeling love, and when I'm feeling like saying that I'm in love, it's the bst thing that I can do. It's the best thing I have to give someone, that matching of words to feelings. When it's rejected, you might as well send me away.

I understand he was talking to his goddamned boss at his goddamned stupid ass new goddamned job, but I want 5 minutes. NOW. NOW NOW NOW. I want to talk about the dark place inside of me that is where my love grows from. I want to tell him how happy he can make me. I want him to give me the short, short few minutes that it would take to make me happy.

I am really a very easy woman to please. I wish I could have the dishes done, a few minutes to express my deep and abiding love, and some sex. I don't understand why these things are so hard for him to give to me. I don't understand why it has to be so hard.

4 comments:

Wayward Son said...

Voodoo is dangerous. That's all I'm going to say.

just another addict said...

that picture makes me sad.
Just sad.
Peace,
Scout

Married to an Addict said...

I don't understand either. Those things are so simple. And that's what I want too. I tell him that all the time - that I am an easy person to please.

I hope they start to see that we really are. For the most part. :)

Stagnant Artist said...

I know 5 minutes is not much to ask for, but remember he is finally doing something you have both been waiting for. He's WORKING! A job! I can understand his need to pay attention and not fucking up in the beginning. He is probably dealing with his own stress too.