Tuesday, July 10, 2007

My Husband Is Not Your Husband.

And I am not you.

I am not writing your words. I'm writing mine, my story, which happens to be in an optimistic chapter at the moment.

Every relationship with an addict doesn't end the way yours did. I'm in deep with the recovery folks, and I've seen some really strong relationships blossom from the same dark place I've just lived through.

I slide back and forth when people identify with my experiences strongly. There are moments when I love that identification, when the parallels between my life and someone else's make me feel less alone, less crazy, and hopeful that someone will have answers to the questions that continually pop up. However, when folks write to tell me that I sound just like themselves when they were married, before they wised up and left the fucker on his ass where he belonged, it makes me a little uncomfortable.

We're all leading individual lives with individual experiences of those lives, and part of why I write here is to share my story, my experience, and my life in a relationship recovering from addiction. As much as I find comfort in the similarities between my struggle and the struggles of other folks in recovery, I hope that I'm respecting others' unique experiences as much as I want my own to be respected.

And so, Anonymous, my nemesis, I am definitively not an idiot, and I'm not giving up on him. I'm a creative, intelligent woman, a wonderful wife, and a great writer. I have a weakness for this man who I love with my whole-heart, but I'm working on getting stronger, and I'm bringing my husband with me. He makes me happier than I've ever been when things are going right. The ups are just as intense as the downs.


Urban Thought said...

That took me back for a minute. Anonymous should no better than to step up to someone who is as strong as you.

Did you call this person anonymous because you didn't want to put them out there or because they were too much of a punk to at least put up some credentials or an alias of some kind?

Keep on keeping on is what I say. F*ck the nay-sayers. They don't live your life for you.

thejunkyswife said...

I got a few anonymous comments today...some were on old blog posts that were well-intentioned but that seemed to presume that I'm incapable of making reasonable decisions. Another, I'm thinking by someone else, and yes, someone who was too much of a punk to leave his or her name, said, "You're an idiot. Get over him," which just isn't nice at all.

Thanks for your kind words, Urban.

April said...

Thank you for putting this up, junkyswife. It is something that needs to be said. I run across it too, in my own blogging, and find it very discouraging. Like you said, I know some have good intentions, but even then what they are writing is not always appropriate or accepting of my choices. So again - thanks!

sKILLz said...

Thats right it YOUR life and what happens to one doesnt mean its going to happen to another. Im also wondering what Urban thought, were you trying to keep there real name out of it, or were they too much of a punk to give there name/screen name?
I dont get it if someone stands behind there comment then why not show your face, give your name, show people what your all about.
Some people just want to wish the worst on others because thier lives are worthless.
Keep ay head up hun and dont stress the haters!

longvowels said...

anonymous is a fool, a punk, and a loser who missed out on the best thing that ever happened in their life so they feel the need to tell you what to do.

I've known you for a while and as much as it kills me to see you go through this, you are also the happiest you've ever been. I can't tell you to leave your man, he's yours! Plus you're a grown ass woman! You live your life and you live it more than most!

anonymous is a damn fool. fucking freak.

shit. got me all pissed off and shit.

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

There are no black and white answers when it comes to relationships and by throwing addictions into the mix you get a hundred shades of grey. You have seen from my comments that from the little I know from your writing, I doubt the sincerity of your husband’s efforts. But I also know that without the love and support that my family gave to me during my early years of sobriety, I would not have the blessings and rewards of recovery today.

They never gave up.

Even if you do end up kicking him out or leaving, that still doesn’t mean you have given up… just changed tactics. I hope it goes the other way and both of you navigate through the turmoil and pain addictions can bring to a relationship, and come out on the other side to enjoy the happiness you will so richly deserve.

Anonymous said...

Until you learn to be realistic you will never understand what i tried to say. I really do wish you the best. I was enjoying your blog but the comment meant for me today. So this is my last visit,sadly I thought you were a good writer,but just because someone does not agree with you or has a different way of looking at things because of their experience,you choose to lable them as being mean and uncaring. Quite the contrary, I related to your writing, instead of making you proud, you got angry.Which showed me that,sadly that is the way you will wind up in the end, a sad angry biddy,who blames everything on her junky husband or someone else because she refuses to see the TRUTH. I feel sorry for you.

mcewen said...

I've noticed myself that the most critical comments always come from anon, which is a shame, because otherwise it might be possible to clarify.
Best wishes

elf_fu said...

It's far easier to leave than it is to try and stay, have faith in your partner, and work it out.

Anonymous said...

anonymous is most likely the horrible cunt

Recovering Wino said...

Anonymous posters are the lamest...they think they are strong and are oh-so-self righteous, but they cannot even sign their name to their posts.

Married to My Ex said...

No balls. The biggest haters never have balls. I know that I might actually have some respect for their comments, not that I would really consider them, but at least have respect if a name and blog were attached. I think you are a wonderful person married to a wonderful person. No matter what happens between you two, divorce, married for 70 years, it won't change how wonderful you two are. Fuck her/him. You should repost that sign for this blog. (the bunny sign)

Anonymous said...

You are the best. Let no one tell you any differently.

Anonymous said...

Fuck Anonymous, lol, can I say that here? Ya? Well, Anonymous, fuck you. Seriously, I have read many of your comments, and it's obvious that you are either a. making shit up or b. obsessed with JW. Both answers make you a loser. So either step up or step out.

We are sharing real experience, emotions and experiences, and while we believe in anonymity, we know each other. The power of sharing, of being open and honest, and being able to relate to others, is an amazing experience, and I almost pity that you are unable to share in that. Almost.

You simply do not choose who you love, and when you truly love someone, and marry a person, the vows say through better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Some people take this very seriously, and what JW is doing, what my g/f is doing, what married to my ex is doing, and so many other strong and amazing women are doing by standing by their man in sickness, is a level of commitment that obviously you are incapable of understanding.

That and JW is right, what doesn't kill a relationship makes it stronger. If we who are involved in relationships can make it through this, then honestly, I can't imagine anything that could ever tear us apart.

I guess I do feel sorry for you after all. Because it's obvious that you have never experienced true love on this kind of level, and with your current attitude, I don't think you will any time soon, and that makes me sad for anyone because it's truly a beautiful thing.

Wayward Son said...

Nice post. Sometimes you gotta stand your ground. Even to those of us who sign our names... well kinda sorta sign our names.

msb said...

Being an addict, longwinded, selfobsorbed...(its a work in progress),sometimes I get carried away with my identifying with another persons life. so please feel free to let me know if I cross any boundries. I would really appreciate it. Your blog is one of my favorites and always look forward to reading your persective.

Bill said...

we all have our own demons to content with. till they walk in your shoes-they will never know, the real you. you all ready know, what has to be done, when that time comes, hopefully for you that day will never be. as always
best of wishes and luck to both of you!!!