Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The Only Person Who's Ever Been In Love Before.

I'm not the only person who's ever been in love before. See, here's Mantra Mine, a new blog sister who is struggling with her husband's heroin addiction. She's in love, too.

She's also a great sculptor, and you can see some of her work on her site.

It's overwhelming sometimes, all this electronic connection.

So I did all my mad posting about how things are getting better, we're doing better, and Anonymous is a silly-ass ho or whatever, and I was so excited for us to go to a meeting together, and I made myself have a relapse.

I got home, took a bath, got ready to go to the meeting, and he said he didn't want to go. "I don't feel like going. Do I have to?"

I left. I sat in a grocery store parking lot and cried and cried. I called him on the phone and screamed and accused and did all the things I know better than to do.

I let myself have expectations. Granted, they were expectations based on something that we'd agreed to do together, but I let myself expect him to keep his half of the bargain. If he's not ready for meetings, he's not ready for meetings. If he was not in the right mood for a meeting, he wasn't in the right mood for a meeting. I made it about me...if he only loved me enough, he'd go.

I am upset with myself because I'd let go of my desire for him to attend meetings until he said he would. I'd decided that it was his recovery, and he should handle it however he needs to...that it was a battle not worth fighting, and that my forcing him to attend meetings would likely be fruitless at best and counterproductive at worst.

I know better than to get my hopes up about things that have nothing to do with me. I dipped my hands in his shit bucket, and let it affect my sanity and my serenity.

But I'm learning, and it won't happen that way again. I'll continue to attend my meetings, continue to grow and share with him the things I'm learning. When it's time for him to join me, he will.

It made me sad for a few minutes to think that I would never be able to have expectations, that I couldn't look forward to anything, plan for anything, hope for anything, because it's only setting myself up for hurt.

I realized, though, that I can and do have expectations and hopes and wishes, but these things are mine. I'm taking care of myself, making my dreams come true, making my life rich and meaningful. I'm sharing space with this man, and he's growing in his own ways. We're growing separately, but we're sharing our earth. Hopefully, this is how we'll keep from growing apart.

12 comments:

Stagnant Artist said...

of course you have expectations. We all do at times. I know in this kind of situation you try not to, but deep inside you always make some up. But the important thing is that you noticed it. You weren't blind to that portion, so that rules. I see you getting better and better, but there are always potholes and road bumps along the way. Sometimes you take a wrong turn. it happens. But as long as you turn around and make that mental note of "hey that was the wrong way, don't go down there again", you'll be fine. You didn't get lost on that road or decide to take other roads to get back to the main one. You are doing good, we all see it

Recovering Wino said...

Fucking expectations...they'll get you every time. I have lots of posts from last year about expectations...it's hard to let them go.

just another addict said...

I like to watch you learn as you go, J-Wife. I know it really sucks sometimes to have set-backs, but we do really grow from them if we keep them in mind, right?
Even I really wanted him to go to a meeting and was all excited about it -- of course you were. It makes perfect sense to this girl. When I read those words,"I don't feel like going. Do I have to?" I said, "Fuck!"
Yes, you are building a rich life for yourself and sharing earth with him. Beautiful.
Keep it up.
Peace,
Scout
P.S. There is no "right mood" for a meeting, by the way. ;-(

sKILLz said...

Well Im sorry to hear that he didnt go. I know you were really looking forward to it. I do think its kinda shitty he decided not to go but oh well.
Of course you have expectations, doesnt everyone? I dont think that you should stop having them. If you stop having them, then what is there to look forward to?

laurie said...

Even though my life, on the surface, is very different from yours, I read faithfully. I do this because you are a terrific writer and I love your honesty, clarity and self-awareness. I love the questions you make me ask myself.
We all do things that we may perceive as back-sliding. What is amazing is that you can name it and act on it.
It may not feel like you are moving forward sometimes but go back and read your own words over the last months. You are stronger and clearer with every post.

E. said...

beautifully written, and you growth is amazing to watch. It makes me sad to know, that I am just like G, and that I can't be relied on, that I can't fulfill my g/f wishes and expectations. At least right now. But one day, one day I will. I will be able to promise her something, or tell her we will do something, and I will do that thing, or fulfill that promise simply because I made it. I will do it for her, even if I don't want to, I know one day I will have this capacity and I know and pray the same for you and yours.

Mantramine said...

Yeah, it is so hard to not have expectations. It's almost like they sneak up on you. Sometimes I feel like I forgot that we (husband and I) are more heroin addict and wife than husband and wife. I hate it when it bites me in the ass. Good thing is it doesn't usually sting too long.

And hey, I'm honored to show up among your links. ;) thanks for the mention.

Wayward Son said...

Love the last Paragraph. You better have expectations. We ALL better have expectations.

WS

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Honestly, I hated going to meetings. All their, either goody two shoes bullshit or whining and complaining, made it difficult. But I dare say, when I did make myself go, it was rare that I didn't get something out of it. Hubby probably views it the same way and has that feeling, like he doesn't belong and they don't understand. But it is like exercise, you don't want to do it but you sure feel better after wards and it helps you get healthy. I can imagine, the let down but just like addiction he has to choose to take control back, let go and let God and choose to get something from it. All the wishing in the world, won't get it for him. Be diligent and keep suggesting and hopefully, he'll decide to go. In the mean time, maybe ask him to make a deal with you; for every time, he does not go, will he at least read something based on over coming addiction? Find stuff, print it out and then hand it to him. Don't give up and fuck anonymous.Yes, I said that!

kel said...

J-Wife, I feel the same way when my son pulls this same BS about going to meetings, or lying and saying he is going to a meeting, or going to a meeting drunk or whaever. I feel he makes amockery of the program, and to steal your expression(which I LOVE btw...) I have to learn to keep my hands out ofhis bucket of shit... Its his program, his recovery he can work it or not and I have to learn not to let go, there is nothing I can do. Hang in there. Thank you for sharing.

~kel

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

My husband's got a program saying, "Expectations lead to resentments." And I find that's generally true.

BTW, how dare you point me to another blog to read -- I have no time and I keep finding more blogs! Argh!

elf_fu said...

I don't have any wisdom in this department; all I know is that admitting the screw up is what we should do, taking steps to correct it is another.

I can't imagine life as a perfect human being, screwing up is our nature. What we learn from it and how we adapt is what makes us awesome sauce.