I'm not the only person who's ever been in love before. See, here's Mantra Mine, a new blog sister who is struggling with her husband's heroin addiction. She's in love, too.
She's also a great sculptor, and you can see some of her work on her site.
It's overwhelming sometimes, all this electronic connection.
So I did all my mad posting about how things are getting better, we're doing better, and Anonymous is a silly-ass ho or whatever, and I was so excited for us to go to a meeting together, and I made myself have a relapse.
I got home, took a bath, got ready to go to the meeting, and he said he didn't want to go. "I don't feel like going. Do I have to?"
I left. I sat in a grocery store parking lot and cried and cried. I called him on the phone and screamed and accused and did all the things I know better than to do.
I let myself have expectations. Granted, they were expectations based on something that we'd agreed to do together, but I let myself expect him to keep his half of the bargain. If he's not ready for meetings, he's not ready for meetings. If he was not in the right mood for a meeting, he wasn't in the right mood for a meeting. I made it about me...if he only loved me enough, he'd go.
I am upset with myself because I'd let go of my desire for him to attend meetings until he said he would. I'd decided that it was his recovery, and he should handle it however he needs to...that it was a battle not worth fighting, and that my forcing him to attend meetings would likely be fruitless at best and counterproductive at worst.
I know better than to get my hopes up about things that have nothing to do with me. I dipped my hands in his shit bucket, and let it affect my sanity and my serenity.
But I'm learning, and it won't happen that way again. I'll continue to attend my meetings, continue to grow and share with him the things I'm learning. When it's time for him to join me, he will.
It made me sad for a few minutes to think that I would never be able to have expectations, that I couldn't look forward to anything, plan for anything, hope for anything, because it's only setting myself up for hurt.
I realized, though, that I can and do have expectations and hopes and wishes, but these things are mine. I'm taking care of myself, making my dreams come true, making my life rich and meaningful. I'm sharing space with this man, and he's growing in his own ways. We're growing separately, but we're sharing our earth. Hopefully, this is how we'll keep from growing apart.