Monday, July 23, 2007

Fog.

I feel like I'm in a fog today. I don't know if it's from hearing about my friend's trauma, or if it's from being tired from going away all weekend, or what, but I feel kind of like I'm barely treading water. I've got all this work to do, and I can't focus on it. I'm thinking of going home and closing my eyes and hiding under the blanket.

I'm anxious. My stomach is pumping anxiety. I'm not sure what I'm anxious over. I don't like feelings that aren't attached to something specific.

I want the night to come, for him to get off work, and for us to reconnect. I want to make sure he hasn't fallen off of the side of a mountain. I want to make sure something awful hasn't happened.

And how can you trust your gut when you're gut is so misleading? My gut is upset because my friend's wife is dead, and the story is traumatic and awful and so easy to imagine. I can imagine being him, looking back and seeing nothing. I can imagine being her. I can't imagine being either of them.

I sometimes wonder why we bother loving with the spectre of death, always looming. Why do we go out of our way to take people into our lives, make ourselves vulnerable, when horrible things can always happen? When they can do horrible things?

I wish that there were something I could do for my friend. I kind of want to bring him a lasagna or a box of chicken or something else stupid and southern. I wish I could bring him a fixed wife. I wish everything didn't feel so raw and tender.

3 comments:

Ingrid said...

Hi. I have been reading your blog the last few days. I am sorry things are rough. I have no magic answers, but I wanted to send you a virtual hug.

longvowels said...

Sometimes it's the death that makes you realize how wonderful that person was and how lucky you were to get to experience it.

Question said...

those are the kind of things i wonder all the time. no answers.

you should make a lasagna or a chicken or something, if not today then in a few weeks or once a week for awhile... i think it's hard to know what to do for people in that situation but generally the impluses we have to offer sympathy and caring are important.

your friend will be in my thoughts.