Monday, June 25, 2007

Write It Out.

Once again, we had a big, stupid fight. It felt really nasty, but I think it had more to do with our recent long spell of relative peace than it actually being nastier. He said some hurtful things, though, and it reminded me a bit of fighting with the Ex.

It was about money, of course, again. The shop won't open until next Monday, so he's got one more week of not working, not contributing.

I left for a few hours and sat in various parking lots, crying and talking on the phone. When I got back home, he wanted to make up.

I am feeling this mixture of guilt, sorrow, desire, desolation, shame. I want so much from my life and from this man. We are so much together, and the good times are so good.

I knew I needed to write, though, even though I'm sleepy from the anxiety pill I took to get my emotions in line. I punched a wall and my hand is swollen and it hurts. I am an ass.

I had three goals for this weekend:

  1. Get a haircut.
  2. Get my eyebrows waxed.
  3. Get laid.

I accomplished none of these goals. I hate it when the weekend is over and I didn't do anything I wanted. It's my fault. I get swept up in my husband, especially when we're doing well together. I feel like I've spent the entire weekend waiting for him to finish various projects so that he would sit next to me and we could get around to Goal #3. Instead, we fought. I sobbed.

It's the worst when it's the same fight, again and again. The same words, the same tactics, the same deflections and reflections. I don't know which of us I like less.


stayathomemotherdom said...

I'm so sorry....your life is such a roller coaster of emotions. I hope you find the peace you deserve soon.

mahog said...

I hate when it's just the same fight. It's like it's a cd skipping and it will come up again. damn it. You call me when shit like that happens. no matter the time.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I think weekends are hard. There are all these expectations for what you will accomplish and how you will relax and they rarely turn out that way -- everyone is all thrown off their rhythms. Mark goes to a Saturday morning meeting each week to help him kick off the weekend in a good frame of mind, and I have been to some Saturday morning meetings as well. They help.

And ow, stop punching walls! They are hard and will hurt you.

Anonymous said...

It's amazing how much your recovery really mimics that of a recovering addict. The emotional turmoil, the highs and the lows that an addict experiences when they are coming off of Heroin as they begin to be able to feel again are sometimes very hard to deal with. You have been so solid for the past few weeks, strong in your convictions, and in getting caught up in all of your triumphs, I completely missed the fact that what seems to be missing from your posts are your feelings, your emotions as they relate solely to you; not as they relate to the both of you.

Writing about these things can be very empowering. Putting the feelings on screen; like I am feeling hurt and neglected, then feeling the emotions, letting yourself feel hurt and feel neglected, acknowledge them for what they are. Once you have been able to accomplish this you can do the final step, which is to let them go. Just let them pass as a cloud passes through the sky.

I know this sounds funny, but it is a very powerful tool. It allows you to really get in touch with your feelings and emotions, without them ruling you, taking control of your entire day, or in some cases entire lives.

I am probably not the one for giving advice, but what I really would like to see is for you to concentrate more on you, more on your feelings, and not just as they relate to G. Yes, the two cross each other, but you must remember you are separate from him, you are your own person, with your own feelings, and your own emotions.

My simple advice as always is to stay strong, concentrate on you, keep your focus on your own recovery and always reach out when you need someone to talk to.

Wayward Son said...

There is an upward arc even to your down times in your writing. Conflict can bring an understanding where there wasn't one before. I think this shows in the story you are telling though clearly not as much as you would prefer. I so can relate to that. But your doing good, dealing with the conflict, not necessarily sliding back and, if you are, not too far. Overall it seems the two of you are surviving conflict and as much as that sucks, it's what builds depth in any relationship.

What struck me most is how often in the past I have had those very same plans. My plans didn't pan out more often the did, either. Unrequited hair, eyebrows and sex is a shared phenomena.


Bill said...

i've never known a tattoo artist that could not find side work,most are over booked, in the shop and out of it. makes me wonder. i wish you both the best.