Friday, June 22, 2007

A Newcomer.

There was a new woman at our meeting last night. She is young and beautiful and she cried and cried. She's got a kid who is 5, and her baby's daddy was doing heroin. She has the horror of the needle just like I do. She says whenever she finds one in the house, she takes a butcher knife and chops it up.

I felt so much for her watching her last night. I understand so much what she's feeling like, but then she's got a kid to take care of, too. I can't imagine how much she must be hurting. I hope we helped her. I hope she keeps coming back.

I kind of freaked out at her, insisting that she call me ever at any time if she ever needs anything, even just to sob onto the phone. I'll listen.

Seeing her, though, also made me realize how far I've come and how quickly. I'm still far from sane or "fixed" or normal, but I know that I'm going to be ok. No matter what...if I stay with my husband, if he relapses hugely and I decide to leave him...I'm going to be ok. I have all the things I need: a job, friends, a car, a place to live that's mine and that I can pay for. I have things that make me happy that are separate from him, and I have a community to accept and support me. That's a beautiful thing, and I didn't think it would be possible that cold and agonizing March night when I went to my first meeting.

Nar-Anon is a good place. One of the women who has like a Ph. D. in Nar-Anon says that no matter what happens with her husband, she'll keep coming to the meetings. If they split up, if he passes away, whatever--it helps her in ways that are greater than her relationship with him, and I've found that to be true for me, too. The concepts I've learned there are so simple and sane, but for some reason, I needed to have them shown to me. I needed to hear that it isn't my fault and it isn't my responsibility to fix my husband.

If I were to leave him, I know that he would have nothing. He'd go to live with his parents for as long as they'd have him, and he'd probably start using really heavily again, lose his job, and eventually end up in jail. Before Nar-Anon, these things would have been reasons why I would stay with him. Now, however, they aren't. If I decide to leave, it'll be on my terms, and it'll be because it's the right thing for me. I'll be sad that things are hard for him, but I am aware that it's not my problem.

That's a good place to be, and a much better place than where I used to be.

7 comments:

E. said...

Congrats, you are becoming interdependent rather than codependent, a huge step in the right direction!

mahog said...

Without you he would probably die, because he would really have nothing. Living with his parents and the drug uses couldn't go on forever.
I wanna go to a meeting but I'd feel like a liar.

jollyrolly said...

that was the most beautiful and poetic and HEALTHY statement. As a friend that worries about you so far away, that alone made me sigh with relief. I want to come hug you and congratulate you on being YOU. LOVE to you!

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Isn't it great to feel healthy? Now if you could just stop obsessing about those knives, right? ;)

TodayTodayToday said...

Im there dude. My marriage is all about my own decisions now.

Pop'n'Fresh said...

Yes, you are on the right track--you go to meetings, you have support, you ponder living without this man. I think you will soon realize that the chaos that you're stuck in the middle of is not merely the by-product of a "bohemian" existance nor juicy fodder for this blog--it is your quicksand. When you truly desire peace and when you truly realize you can live on your own and thrive on your own, you will make the break. You cannot save the world until you save yourself, grasshopper. And the truth is, none of us can "save" anyone and alot of times the junky lover will move on to another enabler or use the break to finally get clean...they don't die in some romatnic epilogue. Life goes on within you and without you.

One Wacky Mom said...

Wow...that is so powerful..thank you so much for sharing that. Thank you...

There's so much we never understand....when it comes to co-dependence. You helped me understand my father. My mother was an alcoholic.