Sunday, June 10, 2007

Grab The Nearest Book.


• Grab the nearest book.

• Open to page 161.

• Find the fifth full sentence.

• Post the sentence.

From Courage to Change:

"But Al-Anon suggested perhaps I had confused humility with humiliation."

This sentence really captures some of the stuff I've been struggling with in Nar-Anon. Some of the attributes that I thought I had, I don't have. I do have some I thought I didn't. Edges are blurry, difficult, confusing, and life isn't everything that I thought it was. I'm not exactly who I thought I was. My husband isn't who I thought he was.

This constant rediscovering of myself, my marriage, my man has become rather exhausting.

Humility: the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

Humiliation: the state of being humiliated or disgraced; shame.

There are some very obvious differences here, but it's interesting how the two can overlap. Shame is a feeling I've experienced too often in my life, and I've grown to let it control me. Childhood stuff lead me to a place where I seek out relationships that will make me experience shame because some part of me is so deeply broken that I will always believe that I somehow deserve it.

I do not deserve it.

And because I walk in this world of shame, I am easily manipulated, easily confused, easily convinced that I'm wrong, deluded, controlling.

It is also easy to mistake this shame, this penchant for humiliation, for humility. For being humble, a martyr.

It's something I do to myself, and so it's my bucket of shit. It's my issue, and I should deal with it. I can't expect anyone else to make me feel worthy, and I shouldn't allow anyone else to take advantage of my weaknesses...weaknesses I know that I have. Weaknesses I spend my days thinking, writing, talking about. I should use that awareness as the first step in fixing the broken parts of me.

I don't even know what it means to have true humility. To be humble, you have to first understand your worth. You have to understand your value to realize that you have something to be humble about.


Other posts:

Loosely Woven


Wayward Son said...

I could say I told you this a while back. But because I am humble, I won't. LOL

Seriously though, it all makes sense when we come to these epiphany-esque conclusions ourselves. It is also very inspiring to see it all unfold which is something you have done a tremendous job of with this blog.

I totally get the confusion between humiliation and humility The idea of being humbled is not something I would previously have associated with gratitude. The fact that gratitude is the quickest way out of a state of despair took a while to gel for me because of that. I get it now and, still, I sometimes forget to be grateful when I feel bad. But it's getting easier each time.

BTW, you assume I am reading a book with 161 pages. I am flattered.


Bella Stander said...

That is so powerful! What you wrote about being humble in the last graf is absolutely true. I hope you're able to ditch humiliation in favor of self-worth. I know myself how hard it is.