Monday, June 11, 2007

The Ex.

I talked to the ex on the phone today.

Why, oh why, did I talk on the phone to the ex today?

I found out that I'm a one in a million psycho, a real piece of work, a bitch, a liar, a cunt, a manipulator, chronically miserable. He wasted years of his life with me.

I talked with him because he'd told me the dog we had while we were together was sick. He was a very beautiful pit bull, white with blue eyes, and he had a blockage. This doggy is a notorious sock-eater, so I figured he'd eaten a sock. I called back today to check on the dog, my long lost son who I miss terribly, and the dog is ok. But I talked to the ex for hours and hours about blame, shame, loss, sadness.

It's sad, more than anything. It's sad to think about the paths we could have taken. I spent 10 years of my life with this man. They were good years, sometimes, and we shared a lot. I wasn't in love with him for a very long time, but I still care about him, deeply. He was a part of my family, and it's hard not to think of him like family. He hurt me a lot with his drinking and cheating.

It was strange how he kept trying to make the divorce my "fault." It seems like after a year and a half, we'd be done with fault. I'm done with fault. I was in love with another man, and he treated me badly. He's a good man in many ways, but we were bad for each other. It's best that we're not together.

I'm sure it's unrealistic, but I wish that he and I could talk sometimes and be friendly. I wish there were ways to communicate that weren't so tinged by hurt and anger. I wish we could talk a few times a year like I do with other people I grew up with...with my girlfriend Kathryn, we talk three or four times a year usually, and it's always great to hear her voice, great to hear how she's doing, and really healthy feeling.

There's no way to have a healthy relationship with someone you used to be in love with, I guess. It's sad, though. I miss him in a lot of ways. I sometimes want to call him when I'm sick or hurt. I wanted to talk to him when my finger was hurt. I wanted to talk to him when I found the needles. I know I can't call him every time I'm hurting and expect him to care, and I don't anymore. I just wish we could talk, sometimes, and have it not be all overwrought.

I wish lots of things.


JoAnne said...

I know where you're coming from, I really's tough when a relationship crashes and burns and your ex blames you for everything. Been there, done that. I'm sorry you had to go through it, I really am. If it helps at all, I know how you feel. :)

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I sometimes wish I could talk to my ex-boyfriend like a normal person, but there is too much resentment there. Sad that we used to be so close and now can't speak to each other.

Carol said...

Having recently left my husband who is an active addict, I know how you feel. I struggle daily not to call and talk to him. I worry about him all the time and I know that if I were willing to tolerate his BS we would still be together but it just gets all too tiring.....