Thursday, May 24, 2007

The Plan.

So here's my plan, for my devoted blog followers. I'm not leaving my husband. I found the needles in February. It's been 3 months, and I'm not going to leave him yet. If he doesn't get a job soon, if things don't get better, I will leave. I'm not going to let him ruin my life.

If he relapses again, I'm going to set a new boundary in our relationship. In order for us to remain together, he's going to have to go to meetings or therapy or in some way make a commitment to getting better.

He's trying. He fucks up a lot, and I write about it here. I don't write as much about the moments of real sweetness between us. I'm pretty self-reflective, both by nature and because of the program I'm working, so I'm aware that leaving him is a possibility, I'm aware that he's selfish, addicted, broken, and in need of a lot of work. I'm aware that this relationship, if I choose to stay in it, is going to drain me for a long time. I've been loving this man for the last decade, however, and I'm not throwing in the towel until I give it a good, fair shake. I'm not giving up until my heart tells me it's time.

I'll land on my feet. I've always taken care of myself, and I've always come out ok.


DirtyBitchSociety said...

You know what, I wish someone had cared so much about me, when I was suicidal because of the shit. He needs to be grateful first. To realize this and how bad it could be. Been there, done that. I give you so much credit.
I have a question for you, come see...

April said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

JW - I append the following dross for your amusement. Please do not be offended, I mean no offense.

God, if there is one thing I fucking hate it is people who make a virtue out of being “self destructive”.

“Ooh, that’s just me, that is. As soon as things start to go well, I just find myself pressing the “destroy” button and it all goes wrong. There was I with the wife and a great job, and I just jacked it all in because I couldn’t handle happiness”.


“fame is so hard, all that money and hot chicks wanting to sleep with me, I’d better be an arsehole, just in case anyone thinks I am not being self destructive”.

There’s a name for these sort of people and it begins with a C. Cunts. Fucking cunts. People who can’t just fucking get on with being ordinary, who have to excuse their moronic, attention seeking fuck ups with a stupid name. “self destructive” Fuck off and finish the job then you muppet. Oh, no, you can’t because finishing yourself off would constitute a success, and that wouldn’t be “self destructive” enough of you would it. Jesus Christ. And how is it “art” to dick yourself around just enough to keep life and limb together, but not quite enough to stop being a total drain on the world, and the emotions of anyone who crosses your miserable path. Fuck I hate those bastards. Women readers listen to me. If your boyfriend is a “self destructive” person, always just falling short of usefulness or fucking things up in order to look like a tortured poet, kick him in the nuts, shag his dad and nick his wallet. Give him something real to whine about the little bollocks.
Vagina Dentata

My god is she not magnificent when she is really angry? I think what got her going was Robbie Williams, he is always on about being self destructive. I wish he would just get on with destroying himself and stop whining about the process. A shotgun operated with your toes would do the job very nicely, Mr Williams. Anything to spare us any more of his irritating, babyish songs. By the way, I know a famous Irish actor who knows Robbie Williams and says he is definitely gay. There was a time when people thought George Michael wasn't gay, can you believe that? Bilious Pudenda

clyde said...

jw, it is hard to read your words. the daily grind is so clear.

there are things which are deal breakers in relationships. to me, it is a lack of honesty. without being true to your partner and also true to yourself, it is not possible to be part of a team. no one minds sharing the relative strengths we have - there is always an imbalance - but when the row boat is being pulled in different directions, it becomes time to reassess.

he's either part of the program or he's not. words are cheap and can be wiped away; only actions are lasting.

God speed in finding your way to either stay or go.

Anonymous said...

Question, though - are the only two choices staying as-is or filing for divorce?
Couldn't you (if and when you felt the time was right) distance yourself from him while staying married, so that you could break the whole toxic cycle and force him to function without you to lean on? And you could learn to function without caretaking for him? And maybe build something new and healthy from there perhaps?
I don't think that separating or leaving (temporarily) is the same as ending the marriage or divorce. It's not one or the other, I don't think.