Wednesday, May 23, 2007

He's Driving Me Crazy.

He's tattooing upstairs tonight, and he's like a barrel full of lies. Everything he is saying to this kid is a lie. It's completely ridiculous.

He is talking about this big planned trip to Greensboro on Friday, and he says that he will stay in a hotel room. How the fuck is he going to stay in a hotel room? He doesn't have any fucking money. Or does he have some fucking money? And why is his mother letting him use the car? And I guess this means that he isn't planning to have a job by Friday? And I thought I'd go out of town this weekend, but I guess I won't?

Goddamn fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I don't want to have to break up. I don't want to be without him. My heart will break. My heart is broken.

I suppose it's relapse time. We're almost at 40 days now...way overdue.


Here's Johnny Cash singing "Busted." Story of my fucking life. I wish Johnny Cash would be 25 years old and come over and marry me...crazy fucking junky.

Goddamn myself!


Anonymous said...

When I read this, it almost sounds like you are addicted yourself - to him. Do you think that maybe you two are locked in some sort of dual-addiction, where his needs lie elsewhere but your cravings are toward him? And you are so desperate that you are trying to sustain yourself on these tiny crumbs of hope?
I am so saddened by your pain.
But my question is - if you took the hard road, ripped off the bandaid quickly regardless of the pain of the act, and got some distance from him, would you be able to start healing? And also, would the distance break the cycle of dependence for him as well?
I'm so sorry how difficult this is for you. Be strong. Be brave. Good luck.

kristi said...

My brother is in rehab now for addiction to a street drug ICE and alcoholism. He started doing drugs again when he and his wife split up. Sometimes I wonder if he was looking for a reason to start getting high again. He has stolen everything he can get his hands on, including the air conditioning unit from their house (which weighs like 1000 pounds). She is planning on taking him back. She is bipolar and has issues of her own and I fear he will relapse if they get back together. All he can talk about is how much he hopes she still loves him. It is sad.