Why Why Why

Why? Why? Why? I kept asking him last night. "Why would you do it? You were doing so well. Why?"

All he can say is that it's because he's weak. He had a moment of weakness. I kept asking him to explain it to me. What made him think it was ok? What was the process? How long did it take?

All he would say is that his friend asked him if he wanted to use, and he said yes, and then they got the drugs. I want to know if he tried to justify to himself that it would be ok to use one time.

Also, he came home and tried to have sex with me. We have seen from months of his opiate addiction that he cannot perform sexually when he has been using. I have no idea why he would try, and it frustrates me so much. Because I didn't know he had used, I kept trying to get him hard, trying in that really, really earnest way that you suck on a flaccid penis. Really trying, really wanting to be close, and really wanting it to work so he wouldn't have to feel self-conscious. I started falling back into the old head games: "He's not attracted to me. Why can't I make this work?"

Blah. Blah. Blah.

And it was all for a lie. I was all worried and worked up and sucking his limp prick for 45 minutes for no reason.

It reminds me of this woman's story of her son using. She said he spent Easter with her, and he said he had a flu. He spent all his time on the couch, dozing. She was worried about his flu, cooking chicken soup for him, nursing him, and generally taking care of him, but she was also afraid he might be contagious because she takes care of her elderly mother who has a weak immune system. She fretted and worried about whether or not she was going to get her mother sick, and worried about her son and what might be wrong with him. She eventually realized, however, that he was detoxing...he wasn't sick at all, and she'd done all this worrying about her mother for no reason. I'd done all this dick sucking for no reason.

I don't understand any of his behavior. I don't understand why he would use, and I don't understand why once he did, he'd try to have sex with me. More than anything, I don't understand why he would try to get me to transport his paraphernalia for him. I don't understand his fits of rage and his continued victim-mentality. I don't understand why he is doing anything.

I am so very angry. I don't really want to go home to him. I don't want to go home and not have him there, either. It drives me nuts--this up and down and back and forth with my feelings. Whenever I start to think things are ok, they always go downhill.