Monday, April 16, 2007


This business is so painful. I am trying to focus on myself and my own life, but it's hard when you have someone you feel so close to in your life.

And I want this man in my life. I want to be with him every day. I want all this love that I feel for him to be valid.

I am afraid of that need for validation. It is perhaps going to keep me in the relationship for too long. I feel like now that I've invested all this time, energy, and feeling into being with him, I almost have to stick it out. It HAS to work. It HAS to be worth it. This feeling that I've carried for him has to be real or I've lived my life all inside out for no reason.

I want to get back to the people who are so deeply in love at the most essential level. Beyond all the disease and the messy relationship crap, there is a genuine depth of feeling, a real heat, between the two of us.

This mess is breaking my heart. I thought I was done grieving over him. I thought that I would finally be through with feeling hurt because of this man's actions. For so many years, when we were still having an affair, he would hurt me and hurt me, leave me hanging. I thought that now we'd be different, better, strong.

There seems to be some part of him that needs to hurt me. Or maybe not that needs it, but that can't stop it. I want a very simple life, and I want him with me. I want us to keep these wonderful jobs that complement each other so beautifully. I want to make a family, to be each other's family. I want to make love, a lot.

I'm also feeling so very hurt because I've spent my life in this situation, feeling like my love isn't as important to the person I'm giving it to as a feeling from a drug. I want to be worth more. I want more.


Shifra said...


Anonymous said...

You must face reality sweetie, he is the one that you will never get over no matter how long you hang around for all this torture. Most women have one of those in their past. I do belive G will be yours. You will know when you can't take anymore, it will happen sslowly of course. But it will happen. Experience is a good teacher. I was single 10 years before I would let myself be loved again after my junky. Thats another thing he took from me 10 more years after he was out of my life, he still affected it,by me being afraid to be loved. God finally sent me a great one when I wasn't even looking. Oh if I could have met him before the junky. Now been together 13 years, and I still don't trust men, and this man is a saint. A Junky will screw you up inside so much and you don't even realize it. I was so hopeful and stupid at the same time, Why? All that wasted time still makes me sick, and my hatred of him will never leave. He used me.In every way possible,and I think he even laughed behind my back.....Damn Devil is what he was.Tstess