This business is so painful. I am trying to focus on myself and my own life, but it's hard when you have someone you feel so close to in your life.
And I want this man in my life. I want to be with him every day. I want all this love that I feel for him to be valid.
I am afraid of that need for validation. It is perhaps going to keep me in the relationship for too long. I feel like now that I've invested all this time, energy, and feeling into being with him, I almost have to stick it out. It HAS to work. It HAS to be worth it. This feeling that I've carried for him has to be real or I've lived my life all inside out for no reason.
I want to get back to the people who are so deeply in love at the most essential level. Beyond all the disease and the messy relationship crap, there is a genuine depth of feeling, a real heat, between the two of us.
This mess is breaking my heart. I thought I was done grieving over him. I thought that I would finally be through with feeling hurt because of this man's actions. For so many years, when we were still having an affair, he would hurt me and hurt me, leave me hanging. I thought that now we'd be different, better, strong.
There seems to be some part of him that needs to hurt me. Or maybe not that needs it, but that can't stop it. I want a very simple life, and I want him with me. I want us to keep these wonderful jobs that complement each other so beautifully. I want to make a family, to be each other's family. I want to make love, a lot.
I'm also feeling so very hurt because I've spent my life in this situation, feeling like my love isn't as important to the person I'm giving it to as a feeling from a drug. I want to be worth more. I want more.