Looking back

I just remembered something very annoying. I should stop doing this...there's all those things I've learned about how the past is the past, all we've got is the present moment, blah blah blah...

But I was thinking of the last time he used, when he came home and made a distastrous attempt to have sex with me, our puppy was constantly attempting to sit on the couch with us. He kept getting angrier and angrier and angrier, and eventually he pushed her really hard in the floor, and she bumped her head against the hearth.

The dog was fine, but only because of the way she landed. This is an attribute of my husband when he's using that worries me, a lot. He is a very gentle man, towards me, towards our dogs, towards other people. He doesn't hurt people. But when he's using, he can have these violent temper fits. There was one time when he beat up our fan that we use in the bedroom, and later, I realized that was a night early in this latest heroin binge. Him pushing the dog in the floor violently is another example of how heroin makes him so ugly.

I shouldn't do this to myself. I'm dwelling on things that are over. He's not using now. Today has been good, except he's been spoiled and demanding. His hand is getting better. He is appreciating the fact that we have no money and that he's got to start contributing. There's no reason for me to review again and again all his offenses against me.

But the puppy! She's just a puppy, and she just wanted to sit next to us because she loves us. She didn't make him shoot up, and she didn't make his dick limp.

Blah, blah, blah. It often seems that if I'm not looking backwards at his long list of offenses against me, I'm looking forward to the things that he's going to fuck up in the future.